Myself jokes

My girlfriend just freaked me out...

she gave me a blow job but insisted on role playing as a 12 year old.Fucking weird and gross. I was like "You're going to be 12 in a couple of months, what's the rush?

What do you call a war between two cannibal tribes?

A food fight.

What's the difference between Chris Brown and a Tesla Model S?

The Tesla gets fewer battery charges in a year

Why do dwarves laugh when they play soccer?

Because the grass tickles their balls.

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants...

The bartender looks over and says, "Get the fuck out of my bar, we're sick of hearing this goddamn joke."

Why do Indians hate snow?

It's white and it's on their land.

My girlfriend really wants me to quit my job. She says that it is cruel that we do product testing on animals.

We’ve argued back and forth for months, and it is a very tough decision for me since I don’t have a formal education. Every day I come home from work, she becomes more and more distant. I also just got a 20% raise, and will finally be able to give my future family the life they deserve. Last night she gave me an ultimatum, her or my job.

What should I do? I love my girlfriend, but I also love my job at the hammer factory.

I try to fill the void in my life with food...

But it always goes to shit.

My boyfriend and I always laugh about how competitive we are

But I laugh harder

What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car?

A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.

Chinese takeout, $15.00, gas to get there, $1.50. Getting home to find they've forgotten one of your dishes.

Riceless.

On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me...

“If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."

"Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."

Why did the Irishman only put 239 beans in his bean soup?

Because one more would be too farty

I just found out I'm colorblind

The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil?

Because it’s pointless.

I hate it when guys call their girlfriends their "partner in crime". Like we get it dude she's underage

Two economists are walking in the park.

The first economist sees a pile of dog shit and says to the other, "I'll pay you $50 to eat that dog shit." So he does and gets paid $50. Later on, the second economist sees a pile of dog shit and says to the first, "I'll pay you $50 to eat that pile of dog shit." So he does and gets paid $50.

The first economist says, "I can't help but feel we just ate dog shit for nothing." "Nonsense," says the second economist, "We just contributed $100 to the economy."

I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control

I thought to myself... "Well this changes everything!"

Epileptic Santa

He seizures when you're sleeping.

I wish I could be a fossil.

Only then would someone dig me.