Once jokes

The guy who invented Velcro died

RIP

I just deleted all the German names from my phone

Now it's Hans free.

For 2020 my goal is to be less condescending to people.

Condescending means to talk down to someone.

I tried acting in porn movies but

I only had small parts.

My wife dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled, "You're being charged with being good in bed..."

After two minutes she said she was dropping the charge due to lack of evidence.

I havent spoken to my wife for eighteen months

I don’t like to interrupt her.

A student got home from school and his mum asked him how the test went.

He said it was easy but one question held him up. The mother asked what the question was. " They asked what the past tense of think was" the boy answered. "So what did you write?" the mother asked.

"I thought and thought and thought until I finally wrote thinked"! The boy replied.

Boss shows up at a job site

Boss: "Bob where were you I've been looking for you since morning!!!!! It's lunch time already!!!!"

Bob: "Boss, a good employee is hard to find."

A guy named John Asshole goes to the courthouse change his name

The judge asks him: "What's your name?"

John was a ashamed of saying it out loud so he wrote his name down and passed it to the judge

The judge holds his laugh and asks him "Well, obviously your name must be changed. What name do you prefer to be called from now on, sir?"

"Mark Asshole"

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.

It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

Ask him to pronounce "unionized"

There's an actual medical term for when your foot falls asleep.

It's called 'coma toes'

I was reversing my car in the garage and asked my son to spot me, and let me know when I hit the wall.

I heard a bang. "3:45 PM", he said.

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

Did you hear about the cheese who works out?

It was shredded.

A drunk guy enters a taxicab...

\- Take us to the...

\- ”Us”? Which ”us”, you're alone!?

Drunk guy looks at him, somewhat bewildered:

\- Wh-what, are you saying you ain't going?

I just found out that i have two weeks to live

My wife just went on vacation

If you think about it, humans eat more bananas than monkeys

I mean have *you* ever eaten a monkey?

My girlfriend said she was going to get a massive tattoo of a snake on her back.

"Do it," I said. "But it might hurt you."

"I know," she replied. "But it's only a needle."

"No," I said. "I mean being single."

If you drink the liquid from a Magic 8 Ball you can tell the future..

My friend Keith did it once and then said he was gonna die, and he did