A worker in Russia has been standing in a liquor line for hours....
He grows tired of waiting around for so long, so he suddenly says to his friends around him “That’s it, I cannot take this anymore, please hold my place in line, I am going to shoot Putin.” They agree to hold his place and he walks off hastily.
Two hours later the worker returns. One of his friends asks him “Well, did you do it?” The worker says, “No, the line there was much longer than the line here.”
I finally figured out why my girlfriend hasn’t been talking to me recently
I don’t have one
Old German joke
An eight-year old boy had never spoken a word. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, “The soup is cold."
His astonished mother exclaimed, “Son, I’ve waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven’t you spoken before?"
The boy looked at her and replied, “Up until now, everything has been satisfactory."
What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?
Church
As Epstein swayed back and forth, coming to grips with the inevitable, he reached out to give the guard one final high five...
But he just left him hanging.
Back in the days of the USSR, two men stood in a block-long line for cucumbers...
Suddenly one of them snaps, and yells "This is an outrage! Waiting for hours for a couple of lousy cucumbers! I'm going to the Kremlin to assassinate the fools responsible for this!" and stomps off. A couple hours later, he's back. One of the other people in line asks "Did you kill the guy in the Kremlin?" The first guy responds "You think *this* line is long?"
Two scientists walk into a bar...
The first one says: "I'll have H2O, please!"
The second one says: "I'll have water too." And comments: "We aren't at work. You don't have to use those terms."
The first scientist angrily walks into the bathroom as his assassination attempt has failed
A joke my grandmother, of all people, told me when I was a kid.
I don't know how many of y'all have heard this joke, but here it goes. Two guys were at a University of Georgia football game when one of them looks down at the Georgia Bulldog sidelines and sees Uga, the school mascot, licking himself like dogs like to do. The guy smiles, leans over to his buddy while pointing at Uga and says, "Man, I wish I could do that". His friend looks back at him in surprise and says, "Man, that dog would bite you!"
One single day is all I lasted as a Mailman. Turned up on time in my shiny new uniform, was handed a letter and thought to myself..
.. this isn't for me.
Son, when I die, I want you to carry my coffin...
...So you can let me down one last time.
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "what are you going to do now?"
God said,
"I think I'm going to call it a day."
Two atoms were walking down the street.
One of them said, "I lost an electron." The other one said, "Are you sure?" and the first one said, "I'm positive!"
Boy: Dad, look! I got a new Xbox!
Dad: Wow! Where did you get it?
Boy: I won it in a race.
Dad: Nice! How many people were there?
Boy: Ummm . . . two others
Dad: Who were they?
Boy: Ummm . . . I don’t remember
Dad: C’mon. You must remember one of them
Boy: Well, there was me . . .
Dad: And . . .?
Boy: The store owner and the police
What has one finger and is very demanding?
A ransom note.
Release the vaccine in vape form.
I promise you no one will ask what’s in it at that point.
What's the difference between a feminist and a gun?
A gun only has one trigger.
In a lesbian relationship, which one makes the sandwiches?
Neither. They eat out.
“Doc, I ate one of those ‘Do not Eat’ silica packets. Am I going to die??”
Doctor: Well, everyone is going to die eventually.
Man: Everyone?? Holy shit, what have I done?
What's the difference between kung pao and the coronavirus?
One's Chinese take out, the other takes out Chinese.
The French and the British decided to have two cats swim a race across the English Channel...
They named the French cat "un deux trois cat" and the British, "one two three cat."
Which cat made it across first?
The British cat, because everyone knows that un deux trois cat cinq.