One jokes

My girlfriend dissapeared when she got a virus on her computer one day and never came back.

I guess she Ransomware..

There are three men, Nobody, No-one and Stupid.

They were on a fishing trip in Canada when the first fell in the river, and began to drown, as he had never learned to swim as a child.

The second stayed behind to help rescue him from the river.

The third ran to the nearest police station and explained the situation to the first police officer he saw.

"Officer! Come quickly, Nobody is drowning in the river and No-one is helping him!"

"Are you stupid?" Asked the officer

"I am, yes, nice to meet you."

Two old guys were chatting in the park.

"You know, my wife and I were happy for 40 years," said one guy. "What happened?" asked the other guy. "We met," sighed the first.

What's the difference between a priest and a chilean mining company?

One gets its miners stuck in shafts, and the other gets its shaft stuck in minors.

After 10years a wife started to think their child looks kinda strange so she did a DNA test and found out the child is not theirs, she told her husband what she found out.

The husband replied, you don't remember do you? When we were leaving the hospital the baby pooped and you told me to go and change him so I went inside got a clean one and left the dirty one there.

My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink

No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre

Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?

He was looking for Pooh. - *My little brother told me this one; hit me with a little bit of nostalgia.*

What do you call fapping to dubstep?

Wubbing one out.

I’m not a racist. I treat every race equally

Even the bad ones

A girl once said about me "He's the one!"

Granted I would have preferred she didn't say it in a police lineup. But you have to take what you get.

"Boy, I'm scared," a man said to one of his friends,

"I got a letter from a guy who said he'd break my legs if I didn't stop seeing his wife." "Well," replied his friend, "I guess you'll have to stop seeing his wife." "Easy for you to say," the first guy said. "You like her that much?" the friend asked. "It's not that," declared the man, "He didn't sign his name."

A lady is standing on the top a ledge over a canyon

She’s about to jump when a homeless guy runs over and says ..

“I know what you’re about to do !”

“How would you like to have sex one last time before you go?”

The lady says, “Typical! You’re just like every other guy...

trying to talk me into having sex instead of jumping off this ledge!”

The guy gets fed up and walks away..

“Where you going ?” asks the lady?

“I’m just gonna go wait for you at the bottom...”

There are five cows on a farm: one mama cow and four baby calves. The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, "Momma, why is my name Rose?" The mommy cow replies, "Well, honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born." The next calf comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Lily?" The mother replies, "Because, honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born." The third baby comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Daisy?" The momma cow again replies, "Well, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head." The final baby walks over and says, "Huh Ruh Buh Duh!" The momma cow says, "Shut up, Cinderblock!"

A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air, and men with spears are there. One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren't that crazy so we will let you choose how you die." The man from France said, "Bring me the poison." The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun." And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork." The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them. The guy from France said, "For France!" And drank the poison and died. The man from Britain said, "Long live the queen!" And shot himself and died. And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, "MAKE A CANOE OUT OF THIS YOU FUCKERS!"

Teacher: "Now class, if you are dumb, please stand up." Class: no one stands up Teacher: "Oh, come on. I know someone over here is dumb. waves her finger around the left side of the room." Little Johnny: stands up Teacher: "Oh, Johnny, you think you're dumb?" Little Johnny: "No, I just feel bad you're standing alone."

What's the difference between a maze and a depressed life? One of them you can find a way out of.

What's the difference between dark humor and morbid humor? Dark humor would be saying ten babies in one trashcan. Morbid humor would be saying one baby in ten trashcans.

A young boy enters a barber shop, and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.

"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licks his cone and replies:

"Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!"

A teacher says to her class one day, "Whoever answers my next question can go home." A boy throws his bag out the window. The teacher asks, "Who just threw that?" The boy says, "Me! I'm going home now."

Surveys say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. That means the 5th one likes it.