One jokes

Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike. There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until I find one, I'm stuck here holding my rod.

I’ve been looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer for the past two years. But no one would do it.

A police officer spots an elderly woman carrying two large sacks, one leaking $20 bills. He asks her, "Where did you get all that money?" She explains, "There's a golf course behind my house. When golfers pee through a hole in my fence, I threaten to cut it off unless they pay $20."

The cop asks about the other sack. She replies, "Not everyone pays."

2 tampons are walking past each other, which one says "hi", first.

Neither, they're both stuck up cunts.

I had this friend named Leonardo. We called him Lee. Anyway, he didn't have alot of money. In fact, he was basically broke...

So one day he stole some bread because he was starving and couldn't buy food. He was caught and sentenced to death. It's really not that funny, but this joke was poor Lee executed.

What is a pdf file

And why is my uncle under arrest for being one

Two men are talking about their sex lives...

One says to the other "I'm not getting on too badly. I have welfare sex."

"What's welfare sex?" asks the other

"Simple." replies the first guy. "I get some each month, but it ain't enough to live on!"

I, for one, think it’d be hilarious if there were female pirates.

Wooden-tit?

Marital expectations

Two women were out walking in the city. Suddenly one of them spots her husband across the street. She points at him and says ”Look, it’s Jim, and he’s got a big bouquet of flowers that he’ll come home with tonight. Damn, that means I’ll have to lay on my back, spread eagle all night.” Both women shake their heads and walk on.

After walking silently a little while the other woman looks at first one with a slightly concerned face. ”Not that it’s any of my business, but wouldn’t it be more practical to get a vase?”

My girlfriend wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food in front of you

So I took her to Subway

Two clowns were eating a cannibal

One turns to the other and asks “did I start the joke wrong?”

I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.

If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

one man six horses.

a man was hospitalized with six plastic horses inside him. The doctor described his condition as stable.

What's the difference between an Indian and an African elephant?

One of them isn't an elephant.

Heard this one from a scientist last night

Two scientists walk into a bar:

“I’ll have an H2O.”

“I’ll have an H2O, too.”

The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position as well as pragmatic context.

What is the difference between one night stand, long relationship and marriage?

in one night stand you tear off the panties

in long relationship you gently remove the panties

in marriage you wash and dry the panties. then fold them and put them in the clothes cupboard.

Gandhi

Did you know that Gandhi used to have hot young women sleep naked in his bed with him? The idea was that he could conquer his baser desires and prove his self-control by abstaining from sex with them.

I tried a similar thing by leaving half a box of Double Stuff Oreos on my counter, and I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m pretty sure Gandhi banged every single one of those chicks.

A vulture is boarding an airplane carrying two dead raccoons.

The stewardess says, "I'm sorry sir, there is only one carrion allowed per passenger."

The person sitting next to me on a flight was a woman. Ever the charmer, I used one of my pick-up lines on her.

I asked, “Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?”

“Yes,” she replied, “but I wasn’t willing to pay.”

I have a Polish friend who is a sound engineer.

I have a Czech one, too.

One too.