Other jokes

A girl once said about me "He's the one!"

Granted I would have preferred she didn't say it in a police lineup. But you have to take what you get.

I've been reading so much about the bad effects of smoking, drinking and sex that I've finally decided

To give up reading

After my wife died i couldn't look at women for 20 years

But when i got out of prison, it was totally worth it

Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens?

All they said was ,"Bach, Bach, Bach"

"Boy, I'm scared," a man said to one of his friends,

"I got a letter from a guy who said he'd break my legs if I didn't stop seeing his wife." "Well," replied his friend, "I guess you'll have to stop seeing his wife." "Easy for you to say," the first guy said. "You like her that much?" the friend asked. "It's not that," declared the man, "He didn't sign his name."

Naming the new royal baby

Rumours were that Harry and Meghan we going to name the child “Seatbelt”

When questioned about this, Prince Harry responded with “Its what my mum would have wanted”

there is love without sex, and there is sex without love.

and then there’s you, without both.

How did the pervert find the sheep in the tall grass?

Very satisfying.

An old woman wants to commit suicide...

...by shooting herself in the heart, but she doesn't really know where the heart is.

She goes to the local doctor and asks;

"Doctor, can you please tell me where the heart is?"

"Oh, it's just below your left breast."

So the old woman walked home and shot herself in the knee.

What do you call a wheel that you wear?

A tire

Only self aware people will understand this joke.

You know who you are.

Vegan in a restaurant

Customer: I'm vegan, I don't eat gluten or carbs, I'm lactose intolerant, and allergic to nuts. What should I get?

Waiter: the fuck out

Why did Steve Jobs die?

Because Apple kept the doctors away.

Why does everyone add salt to their meals?

It’s sodium goooood

After my proctology exam I was left alone in the exam room for a few minutes. Then the nurse came in and whispered three words no man ever wants to hear.

"Who was that?"

Doctor, how can I live 100 years?

Man: Doctor, how can I live to be 100 years old?

Doctor: Well, do you smoke cigarettes or do any type of drugs?

Man: Nope

Doctor: Do you eat a lot of junk food?

Man: Nope

Doctor: Do you sleep around without using protection?

Man: Nope

Doctor: Then why the hell do you want to live to be 100 years old?

My Wife was dying

I was by her bedside.

She said in a tired voice, "There's something I must confess."

"Shhh" I said, "There's nothing to confess. Everything's alright."

"No I must die in peace. I had sex with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father."

"I know," I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you."

Will Smith had to stand up for Jada. Imagine how hard it is knowing your wife can't have her hair

pulled during sex with other men

I was curious what my parents did for fun before the internet...

I asked my 23 siblings and they didn’t know either.

Words can't describe how beautiful someone is...

But numbers can. 4/10