People jokes

My friend got jailed 6 months for pulling 4 people out of a burning building.

Turns out they were firefighters.

Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?

Because deep down, they're really good people

Vampire missionaries

"Hello, do you have a minute to talk about Dracula?"

No. Wait..."Dracula" Dracula?

"Yes!"

So you're vampires?

"Yes. We have pamphlets"

Vampires have missionaries now?

"How else would we get new vampire members?"

But don't you just like, bite people?

"That's a hurtful stereotype sir. **May we come in?**"

Wife: Why do you go out in the balcony, when I start singing.

Husband: Because the people would think I am beating you.

What does COVID and riding a motorcycle have in common?

You can do everything right but other people can still fuck you over.

So they say a Harriet Tubman's face is going on the $20 bill.

Excellent, I can't wait to start using black people as currency again.

This morning at the bank, while I was in line, two people with masks entered...there was TOTAL PANIC..

Then they said: “This is a robbery”...and we all calmed down...

Today, I saw 2 blind people fighting

Then I shouted: "I'm supporting the one with the knife", they both ran away.

Why don't blind people go for bungee jumping?

it scares the shit out of the dogs.

How does a transgender ninja kill people?

They/them.

I asked my Granddaughter to give me the newspaper. She said that newspapers are so out of date, and that people now use tablets, so she handed me her iPad.

That Fly didn't stand a chance.

A wife is speaking to her husband...

Wife: I have a bag full of used clothing I’d like to donate.

Husband: why not just throw it in the trash? That’s much easier.

Wife: but there are poor starving people who could really use all of these clothes.

Husband: honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.

Donald Trump is receiving a CoViD-19 briefing in the Oval Office.

The head of the CDC tells the president that today 14 Brazilian people have died from the virus.

Trump shouts “Oh my GOD!” and slams his head down in his hands on the Resolute Desk. He begins to weep.

After a minute or so, he collects himself, looks up from his desk, and asks his advisors, “How many is a ‘brazillion?’”

Why do old people like golf?

Just like in their life, the goal is to get the least amount of strokes before you go in the hole

People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Madrid.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision

I don't like people who take drugs

For example : airport security

People tell me we should be preserving endangered species.

But you offer someone a jar of your pickled panda and they lose their shit.

Not enough people mentions Jesus' biggest miracle...

Having 12 close friends after age 30!

Old people love

My grandma rubbed butter on granddad's feet when he was ill. He went downhill fast after that.

I thought of having a threesome

But then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time I might as well have dinner with my parents