This pastor decided to skip church one sunday morning and go play golf.
He told his assistant that he wasn't feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.
He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried is an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450 yard hole in one.
An angel looked at God and said "What'd you do that for?" God smiled and said "Who's he going to tell?"
Suicide Bomber
They said, "If you blow up the building, you'll get 72 virgins when you go to heaven!" I said, "How about I just vandalize it for 5 sluts right now?"
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts,’ which on the one hand is great,
but on the other, it’s just not right.
In a libertarian society, would there be vending machines selling heroin on the sidewalk right outside of elementary schools?
Of course not! For starters, there wouldn't be any sidewalks.
What did the left pussy lip say to the right pussy lip ?
We used to be tight before we let some dick get between us.
A drunk stumbles out of the bar at 7am....
As he walks home, he sees a nun walking towards him. He stares her down the entire time as they get closer and closer. Right as they are about to pass, he punches her right in the face, knocking her out cold, then stands over her body and yells, "Not so tough today, are ya, Batman?".
A Blonde Tries To Solve A
A blonde has been working on her new puzzle for a couple days now but can't seem to get it right. One day, her husband comes home to his wife crying at the kitchen table. He rushes over and asks his wife why she was crying, and she replies "I've been working on the puzzle forever but can't figure it out! It's supposed to be a tiger." The husband shakes his head and says "honey put the Frosted Flakes back in the box"
Two boys argue over whose parents are better.
The first boy says, "My dad's better than your dad."
The other boy says, "Well, my mom is better than your mom."
The first boy pauses, "I guess you're right. My dad says the same thing."
Don't drive like my brother...
I was driving with my friend. We come to a red light and he speeds up and whips right through it. I start freaking out "Hey man, your going to get us killed!" He replies "Relax, my brother drives like this." We come to another red light and he blazes right through. "You're going to get arrested or get us killed!" "Relax this is how my brother drives." We come to a green light he stops dead looking both ways. "Dude, it's green you can go." "Nah man, my brother might be coming the other way."
All countries eventually got coronavirus
But China got it right off the bat.
A while back, my father told me an awful dad joke.
He said he'd be right back
A kid comes up to me to show me a nickel he had just found...
He then says he could tell my fortune if I gave him a penny. I gave him a penny and he told me my fortune, “You are going to laugh within the next few minutes.” Confused, I asked how he could know this. He held out his hand with the coins in his palm and said, “I’ve got this sixth cents.” He was right, I did laugh.
Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible.
Well, tell him I can't see him right now.
A young naive couple get married NSFW
After the reception they head back to the hotel, get undressed and are simply standing facing each other.
‘This isn’t right’, the husband Dave says, ‘Let me call my dad’.
His dad tells him he’s an idiot and all he needs to do it stick the hardest part of his body into where she pisses.
A few minutes later the dad gets another call, but this time it’s the daughter in law and she’s hysterical
‘You gotta come here quick. Dave’s got his head stuck in the toilet!’
Waiting for election results is like waiting for a grade on a group project.
I know I did my part right, but I am worried the rest of you screwed it up.
My friend has hired a Butler without a left arm.
Serves him right.
Whats the hardest thing about having sex with a blind woman?
Getting her husband's voice *juuust* right
I was asked how I view lesbian relationships.
Apparently in HD wasn't the right answer.
"I'm so wet!" She yelled. "Give it to me right now!"
But I didn't care how many times she asked, she wasn't getting my umbrella.
Any joke can be funny with the right delivery. Except abortion jokes, because there is no delivery.