She jokes

I hate waiting in lines... I wish this woman...

...would hurry up and pick a suspect.

Who cares if you pee in the shower?

The bride and all her guests, apparently.

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters

' Z A S T R Z E Z Y N S K I '

'Can you read this?' the optician asked.

'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

Darth Vader walks into his local record shop and asks for a copy of George Michael's debut solo album

The guy behind the counter says "I'm sorry, it's out of stock."

Darth Vader shakes his head and says "I find your lack of Faith disturbing..."

Today, my wife apologised to me for the first time ever...

She said, she's sorry she ever married me.

“Dad, have you seen my sun glasses?”

No son, have you seen my dad glasses?

A lot of people seem surprised when I tell them I regularly have sex with my boss

One of the many perks of self employment.

The urge to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight is just

a whim away a whim away a whim away a whim away

What's the difference between snow men and snow women?

Snow balls

Don’t be ashamed of who you are .

That's your famlies job.

I came home and found my books all over the floor

There's nobody to blame but my shelf.

What does a perverted frog say ?

Rubbit

Why did x and y break up?

They couldn't function together.

Two fish are in a tank, one looks at the other and says,

How do you drive this thing?

I asked my cellmate how long he's in for.

He said, "Until I ejaculate."

Do you think the guy who invented the vibrator heard voices saying . . .

"If you build it, they will come."

The NRA asked what Jesus's favorite gun would be, and I said "a nail gun."

I don't know why they got so offended. Jesus was a carpenter.

We can't let Germany get knocked out of the world cup...

Last time it happened was in 1938 and to say they took it badly is a bit of an understatement.

I've already heard like seven cancer jokes today...

If I hear tumor, it's gonna benign.

I spent £96 on eBay today to buy a cheese grater once owned by Hitler and Saddam Hussein.

It was the grater of two evils.