She jokes

My Russian wife wouldn't even teach me how to say hello in her language

She says it's private.

They can no longer count animals in Afghanistan

Because there is a tally-ban

You're riding a horse full speed, a man on a giraffe at your side, and a ferocious lion in hot pursuit. What do you do?

Get your drunk ass off the carousel.

If you’re reading this, you’ve been in a coma for 10 years

We’re trying a new technique.

We don’t know where this message will end up in your dream, but we’re hoping we got through

PLEASE WAKE UP

What do you call Hulk dressed up as Captain America?

Star-Spangled Banner

Not all math jokes are bad

Just sum.

What do you call an owl with a PhD?

Doctor who

How many South Americans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A Brazilian

I got $20 from a blind homeless man on the street today!

He had this tin can full of money, and was just holding it in front of my face. What a friendly guy.

Two clowns were eating a cannibal

One turns to the other and asks “did I start the joke wrong?”

If someone calls you fat, ignore them

You're bigger than that

A snail went to the police station to report that he had been mugged.

He said "I've been robbed by two tortoises"

The desk officer said "Can you describe the incident"

The snail replied "No not really it all happened so fast "

A moderator of this sub is my neighbor in real life, and is demanding that my fence be removed

...just because I re-posted it.

What do farmers say when they want to party?

Hay, lettuce turnip the beets

I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.

If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

Fat shaming is wrong.

They have enough on their plate already.

Hey you wanna know why they call it PMS?

Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

I'm sorry you can thank my mom for that joke

My wife left me because I am insecure

No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee

My son called me today, telling me he was in the hospital....

I told him to stop letting me know. He’s been a doctor for 12 years.

My drunk friend got kicked out of Karaoke for singing “Danger Zone” 7 times in a row.

He had exceeded the maximum number of Loggins attempts.