She jokes

My wife left me because I am insecure

No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee

My son called me today, telling me he was in the hospital....

I told him to stop letting me know. He’s been a doctor for 12 years.

My drunk friend got kicked out of Karaoke for singing “Danger Zone” 7 times in a row.

He had exceeded the maximum number of Loggins attempts.

Which is Coronavirus’ favorite novel?

Around the world in eighty days.

Where can you find a scientist that's into bestiality?

In his lab!

Why does the army plant saplings every year?

To grow the infant-tree

I called “Shotgun” long before anyone else did, but I had to still sit in the back seat.

I hate cops.

one man six horses.

a man was hospitalized with six plastic horses inside him. The doctor described his condition as stable.

I saw a guy with his dick in a jar of peanut butter

... he was fucking nuts.

Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia on a Mastercard?

Because his Visa didn't work!

Why are skeletons so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin.

10 years ago today I lost 120 pounds...

Sure don't miss her!!

What's the difference between an Indian and an African elephant?

One of them isn't an elephant.

A Demogorgon, a Dungeon Master and a Sherriff walk in to a bar.

My friend shouts "Wow! I've never seen anything like this. Isn't this amazing?!"

I replied "Nah, I've seen Stranger Things."

I feel sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night...

He had 7 dudes on stage, all hypnotized, then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled "F*** ME". What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my days.

Blind man goes for surgery

A man blind from birth hears about new surgery that can give him sight. He goes to the doctor who tells him he can do the surgery. He asks if being able to see will have any negative impacts on his life.

"Well," the doctor says. "You won't be able to maintain an erection."

"Is that a common side effect from the surgery," the blind man asks.

"No," says the doctor. "It's just that your wife is ugly."

Heard this one from a scientist last night

Two scientists walk into a bar:

“I’ll have an H2O.”

“I’ll have an H2O, too.”

The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position as well as pragmatic context.

Why did Chewbacca crash the Millennium Falcon the first time he flew it?

It was a Wookiee mistake.

Tried Turkish food today...

It was revolting

How is the Quran like weed?

Burning that shit will get you stoned.