Buisness
Dad: I want you to marry a girl of my choice.
Son: No!
Dad: The girl is Bill Gates' daughter.
Son: Then okay.
Dad goes to Bill Gates...
Dad: I want your daughter to marry my son.
Bill Gates: No!
Dad: My son is the CEO of World Bank.
Bill Gates: Then okay.
Dad goes to the President of the World Bank...
Dad: Appoint my son as CEO.
President: No!
Dad: He is the son-in-law of Bill Gates.
President: Then ok.
This is BUSINESS
My dad fell into an upholstery machine last week.
He’s fully recovered now.
A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are relaxing on a hill overlooking an abandoned house. They watch two people enter the house through a broken window. Time passes. Later they observe three people leave the house.
The physicist says, "Our measurements weren't accurate."
The biologist says, "They must have reproduced."
The mathematician says, "If one more person goes inside, the house will be empty."
I did a suprise bukkake party for my wife...
Everybody came. You should have seen her face!
I said to my girlfriend that I think she'd look sexier with her hair back...
Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.
Will carrying a torch save you from an attacking bear?
Depends on how fast you can carry it.
What do you call a beehive without an exit?
Unbelievable
A policeman knocked at my door.....
I answered and he said "Mr. Smith? it's your wife, I'm afraid it looks like she's been in an accident."
I said "I know, but she has a great personality and is a wonderful m̶u̶m̶ cook."
I’m reading a horror novel in Braille
Something bad is about to happen....I can feel it
To be honest a good percentage of my friends are Nazis
That percentage is zero. See! That’s a good percentage of Nazi friends to have
Want to know the secret of how I managed to quit smoking?
I decided to only smoke after sex.
What was it called when Einstein masturbated?
Stroke of genius.
A redneck sees another carrying a sheep under each arm.
So he asks him, "you shearing?" The other answers "nope, gonna fuck 'em both m'self."
I’m opening a dispensary that sells weed and doughnuts.
It called glazed and confused.
I refuse to insult someone by saying that they have mental issues
Only retards do that
Wife: -"Hey honey, does this dress make me look fat?"
Husband: -" You promise if I tell you the truth you wont get mad?"
Wife: -"Yes I promise"
Husband: -"I sleept with your sister"
A Finnish joke from the Cold War
During the Cold War, a foreign journalist asked a Finnish general what Finland would do if the USSR and NATO would fight a war in Finland.
He replied “first we would beat out NATO, and then the Soviets”.
The journalist was surprised about the order and asked why.
“We are civilized people. Work comes before pleasure”, the general replied.
I think my girlfriend is obsessed with scooby doo.
She keeps telling me we should split up and search for other people.
I just ate four cans of alphabet soup...
...and just had the largest vowel movement ever.
My girlfriend said I'm terrible in bed
But it's unfair to make a conclusion in 17 seconds