She jokes

"My vagina is like the local gym," said my wife.

"What?" I asked. "Hot and sweaty?"

"No," she replied. "Only a few members use it regularly."

Don’t worry about Muslim suicide bombers, they can only do it once...

..Hindu suicide bombers are the real worry.

An Irish guy in front of me said, "Whale-oil beef-hooked"

I don't know what any of that has to do with forgetting your passport..

Why do french tanks have rear view mirrors?

To see the battle.

Anyone wanna buy a broken barometer?

No pressure.

Why did the magician flunk out of school?

He couldn’t spell.

What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea?

I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face.

My three favorite things.

Eating my family and not using commas.

There's a new erectile dysfunction medicine on the market

Its called mycoxaflopin

Did you hear that Oxygen and Magnesium are dating.

OMg

Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject

Now when you mention Botox, nobody raises an eyebrow.

Fortune Teller

I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money.

Last night I fucked a girl named Penny - is that spooky or what?

Daddy, do all fairy tales start with Once upon a time?

No dear, there’s a whole series of fairly tales that start with “If elected, I promise”.

This is the first time I didn't get a Valentine's day card from my secret admirer in 20 years;

First my grandma died and now this;

A man found a genie lamp

When the rubbed it the genie came out and stated the rules.

Genie: You cannot wish for more wishes, immortality, or love.

Man: I wish to not die a virgin

Genie: I just said no wishing for immortality

Why don't I like trees?

They look kinda shady to me

Trump, Clinton, Obama, and Bush each ran a mile.

Trump made a time of 11:56

Clinton was slightly faster, timing at 11:31

Obama was very fast, he ran a 10:03

But Bush did 9:11

Honda is coming out with the 1st electric vehicle with wireless charging

It’s called the Honda Accordless

For my next trick

I'll turn a 12 pack of beer into domestic violence.

A farmer buys a young cock

As soon as he gets it home, it fucks all the farmer's 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch the cock again screws all 150 hens. The next day, it's fucking the ducks and the geese too.

Sadly, later in the day he finds the cock lying on the ground half dead and vultures circling overhead. The farmer says, "you deserved it, you horny bastard!" The cock opens one eye, points up and says, "sshhhh. They're about to land!!"