There jokes

I got asked out by SO many ladies today. My secret?

I was in the ladies restroom.

What's a 6.9?

A good time ruined by a period.

Me: Officer, are you actually crying while you're writing me a speeding ticket?

Officer: It was a moving violation

What do you call a sex-offending cat?

a Purr-vert

What starts with 'p' ends with 'orn' and plays a major role in the film industry?

Popcorn

"My vagina is like the local gym," said my wife.

"What?" I asked. "Hot and sweaty?"

"No," she replied. "Only a few members use it regularly."

Don’t worry about Muslim suicide bombers, they can only do it once...

..Hindu suicide bombers are the real worry.

An Irish guy in front of me said, "Whale-oil beef-hooked"

I don't know what any of that has to do with forgetting your passport..

Why do french tanks have rear view mirrors?

To see the battle.

Anyone wanna buy a broken barometer?

No pressure.

Why did the magician flunk out of school?

He couldn’t spell.

What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea?

I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face.

My three favorite things.

Eating my family and not using commas.

There's a new erectile dysfunction medicine on the market

Its called mycoxaflopin

Did you hear that Oxygen and Magnesium are dating.

OMg

Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject

Now when you mention Botox, nobody raises an eyebrow.

Fortune Teller

I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money.

Last night I fucked a girl named Penny - is that spooky or what?

Daddy, do all fairy tales start with Once upon a time?

No dear, there’s a whole series of fairly tales that start with “If elected, I promise”.

This is the first time I didn't get a Valentine's day card from my secret admirer in 20 years;

First my grandma died and now this;

A man found a genie lamp

When the rubbed it the genie came out and stated the rules.

Genie: You cannot wish for more wishes, immortality, or love.

Man: I wish to not die a virgin

Genie: I just said no wishing for immortality