There jokes

Why don't I like trees?

They look kinda shady to me

Trump, Clinton, Obama, and Bush each ran a mile.

Trump made a time of 11:56

Clinton was slightly faster, timing at 11:31

Obama was very fast, he ran a 10:03

But Bush did 9:11

Honda is coming out with the 1st electric vehicle with wireless charging

It’s called the Honda Accordless

For my next trick

I'll turn a 12 pack of beer into domestic violence.

A farmer buys a young cock

As soon as he gets it home, it fucks all the farmer's 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch the cock again screws all 150 hens. The next day, it's fucking the ducks and the geese too.

Sadly, later in the day he finds the cock lying on the ground half dead and vultures circling overhead. The farmer says, "you deserved it, you horny bastard!" The cock opens one eye, points up and says, "sshhhh. They're about to land!!"

I'd kill to be a mortician

That way I'd always have a job

What do you call James Bond taking a bath?

Bubble 07

If the bigger your shoes, the bigger your dick, and the bigger your car, the smaller your dick...

...then no wonder so many people are afraid of clowns.

People say I don't have friends

They're wrong. I have 10 seasons on DVD

Father: When Abe Lincoln was your age he walked 9 miles to school and did homework by candlelight.

Son: When Lincoln was your age he was President.

How does a colorblind person see the LGBTQ flag?

They see it in gayscale.

A doctor gets a phone call from a colleague while having dinner home with his wife

"We need a 4th for poker"

"I'll be right over" says the doctor.

"Is it serious?" His wife asks when she notices him quickly putting on his coat.

"Oh yes.. there are 3 other doctors there already."

What do you call a scam artist who is walking down the stairs?

Condescending

If any one on this sub is thinking of getting married soon, please consider this carefully

On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, you don't.

What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, has choked people when used improperly, and works best when jerked?

A seatbelt.

What kind of bird works on a construction site?

A Crane.

A man at a table in a restaurant suddenly starts to cry. The worried waiter asks, “Why are you crying?”

Man: “My wife said she won’t talk with me for a month.”

Waiter : “That’s terrible.”

Man: “Yes, the month ends today.”

Jokes About German Sausages

They're the wurst.

Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station

in a remote part of Ireland. Paddy, who knows nothing about golf, says "Top of the morning to you sir!"

Tiger nods and bends over to pick up the nozzle. As he does so two tees fall out of his pocket.

"What are those?"

Tiger replies, "These are called tees. They are for resting my balls on when I am driving."

"Fuck me" says Paddy, BMW think of everything!"

I asked a kiwi how many sexual partners he had had...

He fell asleep counting.