There jokes

I just killed a huge spider crawling along the floor with my shoe...

I don’t care how big a spider is, no-one steals my shoe...

Smoking two cigarettes at once

A girl saw a guy smoking two cigarettes at once, she asked him why ? he replied that he smokes one for himself and one for his buddy in prison. Another day, the same girl saw that guy again smoking only one cigarette this time, she said : "Congrats! i'm verry happy for you and your friend ! he must have missed you", he replied that he still is in prison, she asked : "so why are you smoking only one cigarette ?", he replied : "i stopped smoking".

Her: I hope we die on the same day

Him: Why do you hate me, grandma?

Why am I against Donald Trump's wall idea?

It will make fleeing to Mexico more difficult when he ruins our country.

Subway is a lot like prostitution.

You're paying someone else to do your wife's job.

What did the fresh egg say to the boiling pot of water?

"It's going to take me a while to get hard, I just got laid this morning."

I wish I could be ugly for just 1 day

Because being ugly every day sucks... :(

I got fired from the Calendar Factory yesterday

They say it's because I took a day off

The next time you make fun of a ginger, put yourself in their shoes.

You'll know how bad it hurts to not have a sole.

I just realized that everyone tries to avoid me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions.

Oh well, hindsight is 1.

Why don't vegans moan during sex?

They don't want anyone to know they're enjoying a piece of meat.

My biggest fear, when I first started dating, was meeting the girl's father.

But I mainly dated black girls, so it was never really an issue.

Police arrested two kids yesterday

one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other off.

What does a Jamaican do when he sees a spaceman?

He parks his car, man.

A group of Engineering professors were invited to fly in a plane.

Right after they were comfortably seated, they were informed the plane was built by their students.

All but one got off their seats and headed frantically to the exits in maniacal panic.

The one lone professor that stayed put, calmly in his seat, was asked: “Why did you stay put?”

“I have plenty of confidence in my students. Knowing them, I for a fact can assure you this piece of shit plane will never even start”

I am a stock broker

I am broke after investing in stocks

Did you hear about the 120 pound man with the 60 pound testicles?

People say he was half-nuts.

Why is there so much hate for lazy people?

I mean, they didn't even do anything.

what do you call an underwater dog?

a sub-woofer

The phone bill was exceptionally high...

.... so the husband called a family meeting to discuss the issue.

Dad: This is unacceptable. I don't use the home phone, I use my work phone.

Mum: Me too. I hardly use our home phone. I use my company's phone.

Son: I always use my office mobile, I never touch the home phone.

All of them were shocked and together looked at the maid who was patiently listening to them.

Finally the maid said, "Why are you all looking at me? So we all use our work phones. What's the big deal??