A Soviet citizen turns on the TV
On the first channel, Brezhnev is delivering a speech. The man switches to the second channel: Brezhnev again. Channel three: still Brezhnev. He turns to the fourth channel, and it’s showing a KGB colonel who shakes his fist and warns: "You’d better stop changing channels..."
Mom: Son, why dont you talk to Mark anymore? You used to be best friends.
Son: Well would you talk to someone who is stupid, uses drugs and is an alchocolic? Mom: Of course not. Son: Well neither would he.
Boy: I'll pay you 10 bucks to climb up the flagpole.
Girl: ok.(climbs the flagpole) Girl: Mommy Mommy a boy paid me 10 bucks to climb the flagpole. Mom: He just wanted to see your underwear! ...Next Day... (Same boy): I'll pay you 20 BUCKS to climb the flagpole! Girl: OK thanks! (climbs the flagpole) Girl: Mommy Mommy today the boy paid me 20 BUCKS for climbing the flagpole, but today I tricked him this time I wasn't wearing underwear.
Just saw a couple of dudes trying to grab an old lady's purse so I ran over to help.
We got it off her eventually
I always wondered why you hear stories of vampires in Europe but never Africa.
Then I remembered vampires are killed by holy water, and they bless the rain down in Africa
Went to buy a lighter on Amazon,
when I searched, it said, "4.2 million matches found!" Guess I'll have to go to the store.
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
Aye matey
I can always tell, just by looking, when someone is lying.
I can also tell when they're standing.
My wife and I have been arguing about whether we want kids
Our son is taking it really hard
On their first date, a man asked his gal if she'd like a drink.
"Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?" she said.
Later, he offered her a cigarette.
"Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?" she said again.
On the drive home, he saw a motel. Figuring he had nothing to lose, he asked if she wanted to stop in there.
"Okay," his date replied.
"What will you tell your Sunday school class?" he asked, shocked.
"The same thing I always tell them. 'You don't have to drink or smoke to have a good time.' "
I had a racing snail, I thought it would be faster if I removed it's shell...
It only made it more sluggish.
What's the name of NASA's launch button?
The "Space Bar"
I can't believe DCU fans wanted to ban Amber Heard
From their movies there seems to be no better place to shit the bed.
I hate it when people think they can just waltz into my room..
When what I’m listening to is clearly in 4/4
During World War II, my grandpa single-handedly killed 30 German pilots.
He was the crappiest mechanic the Luftwaffe ever recruited.
Maybe if we all emailed the Constitution to each other...
...the NSA will finally read it.
One day, a husband said to his wife, “I don’t know how you got to be so beautiful and so dumb at the same time.”
The wife responded, “Allow me to explain...” “God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me. He made me dumb so I would be attracted to you.”
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A tsunami.
What do you call a fight between a Mexican and a priest?
Alien vs predator
What's the difference between America and a pot of yogurt?
If you leave a pot of yogurt alone for 200 years it develops a culture.