There jokes

Just been chatting to my neighbor's teenage daughter

It turns out she's really into aliens and UFOs

Which is cool because tommorow she's getting abducted

When I was younger I wanted to play the guitar really badly

Now after years of hard work, practice, and determination, I can play the guitar really badly

How can you tell if your sperm count is high?

Your partner has to chew before they swallow.

A man comes home early from work and when he walks into his bedroom and finds his wife in bed with one of his best friends, he gets a gun and shoots him. His wife looks at her husband in shock and says if you continue to do this you won't have any friends.

Sex is like Chess

Every move you can think of already got a name

Artist: “How are my paintings selling?”

Gallery owner: “When I explained how the value would greatly increase after your death, very well! One person bought 15 paintings!”

Artist: "Oh! That’s amazing! Who bought them?”

Gallery owner: “Your doctor.”

Businessman walks into a motel/brothel. Ask the lady working the front desk...I'd like a room and for an extra $500, I want your oldest, fattest, meanest, boring in bed woman and a bologna sandwich. The receptionist looks at him confused and says for that price we could get you our youngest, kindest, skinniest, kinkiest girl and a steak dinner with all the trimmings. The man replys ma'am you don't understand me...I'm homesick.

By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly:

"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."

Taxi

A drunk guy stops a taxi and opens the door,

"You have space for 10 beer and a whole chicken" he asks the driver

"Sure" the driver replies

"Ok" answers the drunk guy and pukes in the car.

A Woman goes to buy a Parrot.

The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays the $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"

A man and his wife are arguing, the man says it's going to rain, the woman says it isn't.

"Let's ask Rudolph, the communist police officer"says the man

"It might, the sky is pretty cloudy" says the policeman

The man turns to his wife and says: "See, Rudolph the red knows rain, dear"

What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

I can prove getting kicked in the nuts hurts worse than childbirth.

No guy has ever gotten kicked in the nuts, and then a couple years later says, “You know, I’d like another one.”

I heard Bill Cosby made a sex tape....

Twice as strong as duct tape.

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it's funny as a motherfucker

How many politicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw it in and another to show his dick to an intern once the light's on.

The furniture store keeps calling me back.

But all I wanted was that one nightstand.

A man misses the bus...

A man on the way home just misses the bus. He runs after it in the hope to catch it, but ends up running all the way to his home.

There he tells his wife : Honey, I did something great today. I saved 3€ by running after the bus.

She responds: Stupid you. You should have been running after the taxi instead to save even more money.

This one time, I cried, when my dad chopped up Onions.

I loved Onions, she was such a nice, sweet, little puppy

My doctor prescribed LSD for my constipation.

I thought he was crazy until I saw a dragon on the way home and shit myself.