There jokes

Lately people have been trying to get me to jump off a dock

But I don't give into pier pressure.

A priest, a rabbi, a minister, a blonde, a duck and a horse walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at them and says, "is this some kind of joke?"

Why do skydiving companies have excellent reviews?

Because it was awesome for the people who survived

If Turkey was attacked from the rear

Would Greece help?

I once dated a girl, who owned a parrot. The thing would never shut up.

The parrot was cool though.

What's the opposite of a waterfall?

A firefly!

I will now leave.

What's better than winning the lottery?

Winning it the day after your divorce comes through.

I want to visit north Korea one day...

before everything goes south.

How do you make an Asian Blind?

you put a windshield in front of them

A time traveler has traveled back in time to the year 1963.

However, he does not know the exact date. He sees a CIA agent nearby and asks him: "Is today before or after the JF-"

"Before"

What did one butt cheek say to the other butt cheek?

If we stick together, we can stop this shit.

A husband and a wife over their marriage had eight kids.One day the husband notices that their sixth kid, Billy, looks very different from the other seven.

The husband goes to his wife and asks her, “Honey, I noticed that Billy looks different from the other children, did you have an affair?”

The wife starts to break down into tears and nods her head.

The husband, heartbroken, quietly asks his wife, “So who is Billy’s father?”

“You.”

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs...

"Really?" she said, "Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded "Come on, what day was I born?"

“Yesterday." I replied.

My brother did one like that after a long string of pirate jokes.

"What's a pirate's favourite crime?"

"Arrrrson," I said, chuckling at my cleverness.

"You idiot," he replied, "it's obviously Piracy."

How do two psychiatrists greet each other?

"You are fine, how am I?"

The eyebrows agree that they deserve a raise.

They say to the man, "hey, we've done exactly what you've asked for years with little compensation. We deserve a raise!"

The man looked surprised.

The eyebrows said, "Thank you."

Ray Rice doesn't believe in giving women rights.

However, he has no problem giving them a couple lefts

When my employer asked if I had a criminal record...

...I guess "highest number of robberies in an hour" wasn't the answer he was looking for.

I don't understand why incels are so upset all the time.

Seriously, they're mad about fucking nothing.

Honest Guy

A truckie who has been out on the road for three weeks steps into a brothel outside Kalgoorlie. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, I want your ugliest woman and a burnt chop.!! The Madam is astonished. 'But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a lovely three-course meal. The truckie replies, 'I'm not horny . . . . ... I'm homesick.