There jokes

Watching movies on illegal websites are probably the hottest thing you can do.

I mean, why else would all these horny singles in my area be ready to chat.

Why are there no vampires in africa?

Because they blessed the rains down in africa.

Kegals aren't just for women!

It's just that when men do it, it's a dick move.

(First joke I've ever come up with myself, sorry if it sucks.)

(if you could improve or elaborate, feel free )

What do you call a fat psychic?

A four-chin teller!

What’s the difference between a really strong weightlifter and a really, really, really strong weightlifter?

Repetitions.

What's the worst thing your wife can say during sex?

Honey, I'm home!!

I went to my doctor to have him look at some strange spots on my arse. I pulled my pants down, he took a look and responded..

Weird flecks; butt ok.

I totally understand how batteries feel...

because I'm rarely ever included in things either

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty.

She's ninety-three today and we don't know where the hell she is.

Today I ran out of toilet paper and had to resort to lettuce leaves.

Today was just the tip of the iceberg.

A man recently died after a periodic table display fell on him...

The official cause of death was, "Exposure to the Elements".

What do you call a person with severe ADHD

AD4K

The waiter came up to our table.

He said, "Can I take your order?"

I said, "Sure."

He said, "Thanks, I'm just really hungry."

Doesn't the "B" in LGBT

... imply there are only 2 genders?

The first time I had sex with my girlfriend, all I could think of was my late wife.

I thought, “This’ll teach her for being late.”

You know the problem with political jokes?

Sometimes they get elected.

Dirty Blonde

A blonde walks into a dry cleaners and tells the woman at the counter, "I need to have an outfit washed."

The clerk was busy and slightly distracted, so she looked up from her work and said, "Come again?"

The blonde said, "No, it's toothpaste this time."

I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked...

I'm not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact I knew where he lived...

Why do people say "break a leg" before an audition?

It's so that they'll end up in a cast.

what do you get when you finger a gypsy on her period?

Your palm red