Cowboy Insurance
The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.
"Ever have an accident?"
"Nope, nary a one."
"None? You've never had any accidents."
"Nope. Ain't had one. Never."
"Well, you said in this form you were bitten by a snake once. Wouldn't you consider that an accident?"
"Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose."
I tried to kidnap a blacksmith, but when I turned my back ...
... he made a bolt for the door.
A piece of tarmac was arguing with a stone in a bar...
"I'm the hardest!." says the tarmac, "All the roads in the country are made from me bitch!." "I'm the hardest" says the stone, "Every mountain in the world is made from me!" 2 minutes later, a piece of a bicycle lane strolls in, orders a whiskey and silently sits down in the corner. A hush falls over the bar. Sensing some hostility, the barman tries to keep the peace. "Hey guys, whose the hardest?" "We're hard, but that guy's a cycle path."
Lately people have been trying to get me to jump off a dock
But I don't give into pier pressure.
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs...
"Really?" she said, "Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded "Come on, what day was I born?"
“Yesterday." I replied.
I need help with my sex addiction...
I tried fucking everything!
how do you know asians have broken into your home?
the dog is gone, the homework is done and they're still trying to get out of the driveway
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic...
But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Have you ever wanted to catch up with first person you had sex with to show them how much better you are at it now?
I tried, but have no idea which parish he's serving in now.
My grandpa's favorite joke
This works better in my native language, but I am going to do my best to try to translate it effectively.
At the end of a good day's work, an accountant goes home and announces proudly to his wife "Honey, I missed the bus today but I saved $2 by chasing after it all the way home! "
His wife fixes him with a look of pure contempt and says "You fool!! You could have saved $75 if you'd only chased after a cab."
My mother has a thick Russian accent...
... and as such it makes some of her words and phrases sound odd.
For instance "want" sounds like "vant."
Or take "talk..." it sounds like "tak"
The best example is when she tries to say "I love you" and it comes out sounding like "you're a fucking disappointment."
I'm so stressed that I'm going to try that Chinese thing with the needles, what's it called?
Oh yeah, heroin
Prisoner: I’m sorry I tried to escape.
Guard: I’m not mad, just........disappointed.
Remember, kids, never let your guard down.
A man was arrested for telling a joke which called Vladimir Putin stupid.
He was tried and sentenced to 15 years and 3 months in a work camp.
When asked about the strangely specific sentence, the judge explained that he gave 3 months for insulting the president, and 15 years for divulging state secrets.
I’m trying to bring more attention to dried grapes
I’m raisin awareness.
Why shouldn’t you ride in an airplane with Ben Shapiro?
Because he’s always trying to destroy the left wing.
I was thinking...
If a parent is trying to put his child to sleep and the child is refusing, wouldn’t it be illegal because technically the child is resisting a rest?
But then I realized it’s a lose-lose situation and it’s illegal either way because if the child willingly goes to sleep it makes it a kid napping.
After a few weeks of trying, my wife just told me she’s pregnant.
She has the worst stutter ever.
I try to fill the void in my life with food...
But it always goes to shit.
What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car?
A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.