Years jokes

A weasel walks into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says, “Wow! In all my years tending bar, I’ve never had a weasel stop by. What can I get you?”

“Pop,” goes the weasel.

Happy Anniversary

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

I once dated a twin

Years ago I dated a twin.

My friend asked me 'how do you tell them apart?'

I explained 'Well, Rebecca has agreed to wear green nail polish every 2nd day...and Stephen has a dick'

On January 1st I joked to my girlfriend we haven’t had sex all year.

It’s getting less funnier each day I tell her.

My priest told a joke during his homily today.

A man says to God, "God, how long is a thousand years to you?"

God says, "A thousand years to me is like a second to you."

"Oh. God, how much is a million dollars to you?"

"A million dollars to me is like a penny to you."

"Oh. God, can I have one of your pennies?"

"Sure thing. Just hold on a second."

My 4 year old niece's unintentional dirty joke.

Why did the fan blow itself? Because it was turned on!

A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.

His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded

"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business!"

My grandfather did 5 years in Vietnam.

Turns out armed robbery is illegal there too.

I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around,she started crying and getting very cranky,so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered around,she sobbed "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?"

A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl..

After hnoeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage...

After a few drinks, billionaire’s friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie..

‟It is simple” billionaire boasts.... ‟I faked my age”

‟Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy...she is sensational, what age btw did you tell you’re?” A friend asks.

With a smile on his lips billionaire responds ‟85 years old”

I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday.

That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.

If I am so dumb then...

How come I can complete a jigsaw puzzle in 6 weeks when the box says 3-6 years.

I'm rather ashamed to say I haven't cleaned my mirror in years.

It reflects badly on me.

Job Interviewer: So where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I guess my biggest weakness is I am not always a good listener

A man walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing

"What are you doing?" He asked.

"I'm off to New York," she replies. "I hear prostitutes get paid $400 doing what I do to you for free."

The husband begins packing his bags.

"What are you doing?" asked the wife.

"I'm coming with you," he said. "I wanna see how you live off $800 a year."

Why did the pirate take so long learning the alphabet

Because he spent years at C

Me and my childhood crush are marrying next year

Hers is in February and mine in July

To all the hot women out there: I may be 50 years old,but I have the body of a 25 year old model with a 12 inch dick

In my freezer.

My three year old daughter asked me, “Where does poo come from?”

I was a little uncomfortable but decided to give her an honest explanation. So I said, "You just ate breakfast, yes?"

"Yes." she replied.

"Well, the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the toilet, and that is poo."

She looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, "And Tigger?"

I finally married my Korean wife whom I met in a penpal site few years ago..

She's my Seoul mate.