A guy gets a call from his Doctor...
The Doctor says "I have your test results back. I've got bad news and worse news."
The guy says "What's the bad news?"
The Doctor says "You have 24 hours to live."
The guy says "That's terrible! What could be worse than that?"
The Doctor says "I forgot to call you yesterday."
It's WW1 on the straits of Gallipoli, the soldiers are ready to charge from their trenches.
The british officers decides to make a rousing speech to his troops: "Listen here lads, did you come here to die?" and the australian answers "Nah mate, I came 'ere yesterday!"
I went to a miniature wind turbine exhibition yesterday.
Got to say....not a big fan.
Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son.
He said: 'dad, can't you just use a sponge?'
My girlfriend is cheating on me with a doctor.
Yesterday, I found out my girlfriend is cheating on me with the primary doctor at her hospital. So from now on, I’ll be giving her an apple for lunch everyday. That oughta do the trick.
I had a job interview yesterday, I poured myself a glass of water and it overflowed slightly
"Nervous?" asked the interviewer, I simply replied "No I always give 110%."
President George W. Bush is sitting in his office...
...When one of his informants walks in to report, "Mr. President, yesterday three Brazilian soldiers were killed by Al Qaeda." Bush is silent for a moment as he holds his head in his hands in immense sadness. "Sir, what's wrong?" asks the informant. Bush brings his head up to look at the man and asks, "How many is a Brazilian, exactly?"
Last week Oxygen took potassium on a date and it was just OK
Then yesterday I saw Oxygen with a date with Magnesium and I was like OMg
I can’t believe it’s been more than 100 years since Einstein first proposed that Time is Relative.
Seems like only yesterday.
Two engineer students were biking across campus.
One said to the other, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
I was in the supermarket today and the cashier asked the foreign couple in front of me if they needed help packing their bags
Fuck me, we only voted out yesterday give them a chance
I got a temporary tattoo
Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour and got a tattoo. But it wouldn’t wash off this morning, so I went back to complain. But the tattoo parlour wasn’t there.
You racist!
An Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars at the currency exchange was getting irritated at the teller.
She asked the teller, “Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty. Why it change?”
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, “Fluctuations”.
The Asian lady says, “Fluc you white people, too!”
This Chinese chap goes into a bank to change some currency. After receiving his Money he asks, "How come I came in here with same amount of Money as yesterday but today I get less Yuans in return?"
The banker says, "Fluctuations." The Chinese guy replies, "Fluck you Blitish too."
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie.
She said, "What movie would you like to see?" I said, “You pick." She said, “You pick." I said, “I don't care. You pick." She said, “Sir, there are people waiting behind you waiting to buy tickets."
Short and sweet cannibal joke
Did you know cannibals don’t exist anymore... I ate the last one yesterday
"Son, I found a condom in your room."
"Gee thanks, grandpa."
"Why are you calling me grandpa?"
"Because I didn't find it yeterday."
I saw a little kid crying yesterday, so I asked him where his parents were. God, I love working at an orphanage.
The weirdest thing happened yesterday. My dad came back from work... He's a suicide bomber.
I showed my girlfriend my shotgun yesterday. It really blew her away.