You jokes

A man at a table in a restaurant suddenly starts to cry. The worried waiter asks, “Why are you crying?”

Man: “My wife said she won’t talk with me for a month.”

Waiter : “That’s terrible.”

Man: “Yes, the month ends today.”

Jokes About German Sausages

They're the wurst.

Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station

in a remote part of Ireland. Paddy, who knows nothing about golf, says "Top of the morning to you sir!"

Tiger nods and bends over to pick up the nozzle. As he does so two tees fall out of his pocket.

"What are those?"

Tiger replies, "These are called tees. They are for resting my balls on when I am driving."

"Fuck me" says Paddy, BMW think of everything!"

I asked a kiwi how many sexual partners he had had...

He fell asleep counting.

Why did the stormtrooper buy an iPhone?

Because he couldn’t find the droid he was looking for

Doctor: *looking through microscope* I've never seen anything like it before

Other doctors: *under their breath* its truly incredible

Me: so viagra won't help?

A man walking on the beach stumbled on a bottle.

He picked it up and pulled the cork and a genie jumped out.

Genie: Thank you for freeing me. I will grant you one wish.

Man: I've heard this one, whatever I wish for will come back and bite me.

Genie: Nah man I won't do that. In fact if that happens I'll give you unlimited wishes for the rest of your life.

Man: Okay, I want a boomerang with teeth.

I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin.

The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.

Two Mafia hit-men are walking deep into a forest in the middle of the night. One of them says: "I gotta admit I'm scared out here." The other replies: "You're scared... I gotta walk back alone!"

There are 10 types of people in this world

Those who thought they knew what the punchline would be, and those who are now searching for the original joke.

A school finally decided it's ok to show their students a documentary about menstrual cycles.

It was about bloody time.

Tornado warnings are active for Cleveland, Ohio.

Residents are invited to seek shelter in Cleveland Browns Stadium where there is no chance of a touchdown.

I went to a really emotional wedding yesterday. Nearly everybody was crying.

Even the cake was in tiers.

Bro, do you want a pamphlet?

Brochure

I saw a kidnapping at school

...so I woke him up.

My wife said she would leave me if I kept pointing at inanimate objects...

I said “there’s the door”

Why hasn't Africa ever won Olympic gold in basketball?

Because Africa isn't a country.

Two rapists

Two guys are driving a car when they are stopped by the police. The guy opens his window and asks what's going on. The police: "We are looking for two rapists." The guy closes his window and the police sees the two guys discussing and making gestures. Finally the guy opens his window again: "Okay, we're in."

Three babies in the womb discuss what they would like to be when they grow up. The first one says, “I wanna be a plumber, so I can fix the pipes in here.” The second one says, “I wanna be an electrician, so I can get some lights in here.” The third one says, “I wanna be a boxer.” The others look confused and ask, “Why do you want to be a boxer?” He proudly replies, “So I can beat the hell out of that rude bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us.”

Joe Biden recently said his kid's won't have offices in the white house.

Mainly because he also won't have an office in the white house.