A doctor gets a phone call from a colleague while having dinner home with his wife
"We need a 4th for poker"
"I'll be right over" says the doctor.
"Is it serious?" His wife asks when she notices him quickly putting on his coat.
"Oh yes.. there are 3 other doctors there already."
What do you call a scam artist who is walking down the stairs?
Condescending
If any one on this sub is thinking of getting married soon, please consider this carefully
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
On the other hand, you don't.
What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, has choked people when used improperly, and works best when jerked?
A seatbelt.
What kind of bird works on a construction site?
A Crane.
A man at a table in a restaurant suddenly starts to cry. The worried waiter asks, “Why are you crying?”
Man: “My wife said she won’t talk with me for a month.”
Waiter : “That’s terrible.”
Man: “Yes, the month ends today.”
Jokes About German Sausages
They're the wurst.
Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station
in a remote part of Ireland. Paddy, who knows nothing about golf, says "Top of the morning to you sir!"
Tiger nods and bends over to pick up the nozzle. As he does so two tees fall out of his pocket.
"What are those?"
Tiger replies, "These are called tees. They are for resting my balls on when I am driving."
"Fuck me" says Paddy, BMW think of everything!"
I asked a kiwi how many sexual partners he had had...
He fell asleep counting.
Why did the stormtrooper buy an iPhone?
Because he couldn’t find the droid he was looking for
Doctor: *looking through microscope* I've never seen anything like it before
Other doctors: *under their breath* its truly incredible
Me: so viagra won't help?
A man walking on the beach stumbled on a bottle.
He picked it up and pulled the cork and a genie jumped out.
Genie: Thank you for freeing me. I will grant you one wish.
Man: I've heard this one, whatever I wish for will come back and bite me.
Genie: Nah man I won't do that. In fact if that happens I'll give you unlimited wishes for the rest of your life.
Man: Okay, I want a boomerang with teeth.
I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin.
The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.
Two Mafia hit-men are walking deep into a forest in the middle of the night. One of them says: "I gotta admit I'm scared out here." The other replies: "You're scared... I gotta walk back alone!"
There are 10 types of people in this world
Those who thought they knew what the punchline would be, and those who are now searching for the original joke.
A school finally decided it's ok to show their students a documentary about menstrual cycles.
It was about bloody time.
Tornado warnings are active for Cleveland, Ohio.
Residents are invited to seek shelter in Cleveland Browns Stadium where there is no chance of a touchdown.
I went to a really emotional wedding yesterday. Nearly everybody was crying.
Even the cake was in tiers.
Bro, do you want a pamphlet?
Brochure
I saw a kidnapping at school
...so I woke him up.