You jokes

What do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself?.

A tearjerker

where do babies come from

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

Two men discuss vasectomies...

First: "I'm thinking about getting a vasectomy, but I'm worried about performance..." Second:" I had one, I was worried at first but after a while I realized there just wasn't a vas deferens"

what is 40 feet long and only has 3 teeth?

The funnel cake line at the Arkansas state fair.

So I was looking up popular pornographic search terminology...

Turns out FFM, Bondage, and Watersports are a three way tie for #1.

I got fired today because I asked a customer whether they wanted it "raw or well done"

I was informed I should have said "burial or cremation" instead.

What did the suicide bomber instructor say...

I'm only going to show you this once.

I refused to believe I was gay AND dyslexic.

I was in Daniel.

I'm an auto mechanic...

So I can safely say I don't understand the gay agenda.

But I do understand the Trans mission.

A straw man, a red herring, and a MacGuffin walk into a bar.

But this joke isn't about that.

A police man searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.

"its not my fault", I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."

"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he said

I said, "I'll Prove it to you if you want me to!"

"Go on than." he smiled, handing me the bag.

After flushing them, he looked at me and said,

"Well, show me your pocket than."

"What for?" I asked

He said, "The drugs."

I said, "What drugs?"

Why does 0 = 1?

Cos 0 = 1

Wife: "You need to watch A Series of Unfortunate Events"

Me: "okay, I'll get out the wedding video"

What language does the post office at Hogwarts speak?

Parceltongue

When I was young, at bedtimes...

My mum used to tell me fairy stories with a happy ending. Just one of the benefits of having a masseuse as a parent I guess.

Making love to a woman, is like playing a violin...

I don't know how to do it...

I made the Earth move for the last girl I had sex with.

And then I moved it back to the hole I had buried her in.

I apologised to my girlfriend during sex for slipping it in the wrong hole

But of course she couldn't hear me with my dick in her ear.

I just realized Titanic and the Sixth Sense are basically the same movie.

Icy dead People!

I had five hundred Hershey Bars in my fridge and my friend had one in his. I pressured him into giving his to a homeless person.

That's basically how celebrity charity appeals work.