You jokes

My friend decided to get a face tattoo of her favourite star wars character..

You should have seen the luke on her face....

Aussie Helpline

"G'day mate, Aussie Helpline here ...What's the problem,cobber?"

"I'm in Darwin with my Sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has completely closed up."

"Bummer, mate..!"

"Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that, Bye."

What's the manliest job a man could do?

Mail man.

When it's hot, my wife really likes us to blow on each other to help keep cool, but I'll be honest...

I'm not a fan.

Every morning at breakfast for the past year 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.

It’s my longest running joke of the year.

Being a North Korean is tough and all but hey

At the end of the day, I can't complain.

I decided to to write a joke about restraining orders.

This is the closest I got.

Why is Peter Pan always flying?

Because he Neverlands

My teacher told me I'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.

But so far I've made three jugs and a vase and they're lovely.

3 nuns are flashed by a pervert in a trench coat

2 of them had a stroke. The other one didn’t want to touch it.

Holocaust jokes aren't funny

Anne frankly, they need to stop

How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, but the trick is finding two people small enough to fit IN the lightbulb...

The Bible is 100% accurate

Especially when thrown at close range

Why is Donald Trump moving to Egypt?

To live in a state of de Nile.

Sinks can't open doors.

Let that sink in.

The blind girl

I went to bed with a blind girl last night, and she said I had the biggest dick she'd ever laid her hands on... I said, "You're pulling my leg.."

Did you hear? They invented a new shovel!

It's ground breaking!

A daughter is in a fierce argument with her father

The dad is yelling, she's inconsolable and crying. She finally gets sick and tired of it, and storms up to her bedroom.

Before entering, she lashes out at her father "Oh, and more thing: Jim Morrison is a terrible artist!"

The father, filled with rage yells back "Young lady, there will be NO slamming of The Doors in this house!"

What is the opposite of a croissant?

A happy uncle.

How do you get Germans to start a war?

Win the previous war.