You jokes

A relationship is like a fart

If you have to force it, it's probably shit.

A wife is speaking to her husband...

Wife: I have a bag full of used clothing I’d like to donate.

Husband: why not just throw it in the trash? That’s much easier.

Wife: but there are poor starving people who could really use all of these clothes.

Husband: honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.

I farted in an Apple store and everyone got pissed

It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows!

I was at the bar last night and had a few drinks. I knew it was unsafe to take my car home so I took a bus. This was really difficult for me; I've never driven a bus before.

Degrees

The graduate with a science degree asks, 'Why does it work?'

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, 'How does it work?'

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, 'How much will it cost?'

The graduate with a liberal arts degree asks, 'Do you want fries with that?'

What is the highest form of flattery?

A plateau

How did the hipster drown?

He ice-skated before it was cool.

Mozart, Beethoven, and Schwarzenegger are getting ready to throw a Halloween party. Mozart turns to Arnie and asks, "what's your costume going to be?"

"I'll be Bach"

Him: Damn, girl, are you a math textbook? Her: No, why?

Him: 'Cause you have a lot of fuckin' problems.

My wife and I were camping...

and an angry looking bear surprised us while we were eating. She looked at me and said "Should I give him some of the stew I made?"

I said, "No, he looks angry enough already."

Donald Trump is receiving a CoViD-19 briefing in the Oval Office.

The head of the CDC tells the president that today 14 Brazilian people have died from the virus.

Trump shouts “Oh my GOD!” and slams his head down in his hands on the Resolute Desk. He begins to weep.

After a minute or so, he collects himself, looks up from his desk, and asks his advisors, “How many is a ‘brazillion?’”

I tried looking at a penny under a microscope.

*...magnificent.*

I once worked at a cheap pizzeria to get by.

I kneaded the dough.

A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 10 months.

The woman asked the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They’re both fine. And, your brother named them for you.

Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He’s an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Woman: Ohh, that’s actually a nice name. What about the boy?

Doctor: deeply sighs Denephew.

It's been raining for 3 days without stopping. My wife is in depression, she is standing and looking through the window.

If the rain doesn't stop tomorrow, I'll have to let her in.

A ship was sinking...

The captain of the ship gathers all passengers on deck and asks the crowd: "Does anyone here know how to say prayers".

A priest steps forward: "I can" he says with some pride in his voice. "Actually, I used to say the best prayers in the monastery, and they would be answered by God too" he continues boastfully.

"Great" answers the captain, "We're one life jacket short, so you say prayers, me and the crew are gonna rescue the rest of passengers by the life jackets".

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.

My wife told me she wanted me to treat her like a queen.

So I had her executed with the guillotine for betraying the revolution and promoting undemocratic, outdated ideas.

Long live the republic!

I made a sideshow of guessing whether you're right or left handed just by asking your favorite color.

I'm very proud of my 90% success rate.