You jokes

Gender roles are changing. Nowadays some women get mad when you hold a car door open.

Particularly the ones on bikes.

As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting.

But apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer.

How many Apple engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They no longer make that socket, you just buy a new house.

Why was the broom late?

because it overswept

Started smoking for this girl who told me she was into people with cancer

Turns out she was talking about zodiacs. Anyway I've got three months to live.

My friend got jailed 6 months for pulling 4 people out of a burning building.

Turns out they were firefighters.

Why was Cinderella kicked off the basketball team?

She kept running away from the ball.

Just paid a lot of money for a really unprofessional circumcision

It was a rip off

Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?

Because deep down, they're really good people

One minute you're young and fun...

The next minute you're turning down the stereo in the car so you can see better.

NSFW, what do you call phone sex on an iPhone?

A Steve job.

Two cows are standing in a barn.

Cow 1: Hey, did you hear about the big outbreak of mad cow disease?

Cow 2: Good thing I'm a helicopter.

I was asked " why did you marry a drug dealer"

Because my parents told me to marry someone with substance.

I called my girlfriends cell phone and some other guy answered the phone...

He told me that my phone number was no longer in service and to call the phone company to pay my bill.

First she cheats on me and then she tells him about my financial troubles!

I was fired from my job as a Zoo Keeper after all the animals died

In my defence, all the signs did say "Don't feed the animals"

Touched by Jesus

Saying that you were touched by Jesus is a completely different story in a Mexican prison.

A blonde sees a another blonde across a lake and asks "How do I get to the other side?" the other blonde replies...

"You are on the other side".

Paddy got a job as a lumberjack

but try as he might, he couldn't meet his quota of fifty trees a day. By chance he saw an ad in a shop window for chainsaws 'guaranteed to fell 60 trees a day'. So he bought one, but the best he could manage was forty trees a day. So he took it back to the shop and complained that there must be something wrong with it. "Let me look at it", said the man in the shop. So he took the chainsaw and switched it on. "What's that noise?" said Paddy?

The Telemarketer

A telemarketer is making calls when a gentleman answers. "Good evening sir, how are you? I am calling today to--" when the man who answers interrupts him. He said, "Hold on now, first *I* have some questions for *you*." Amused, the telemarketer allows him to ask the questions. The man asks "What has a 2 inch penis, and hangs down?" The telemarketer replies "I give up, what?" The man says, "A monkey!... now what has a 9 inch penis, and hangs up?" The telemarketer says, "I don't know.."

--CLICK--

Vampire missionaries

"Hello, do you have a minute to talk about Dracula?"

No. Wait..."Dracula" Dracula?

"Yes!"

So you're vampires?

"Yes. We have pamphlets"

Vampires have missionaries now?

"How else would we get new vampire members?"

But don't you just like, bite people?

"That's a hurtful stereotype sir. **May we come in?**"