You jokes

When I was a little kid, I had this friend that was always counting.

I wonder what he's up to these days.

Aliens are probably monitoring our media.

98% of the internet is porn. Maybe they're not giving us anal probes. They're just trying to speak our language.

I couldn't remember where I threw my boomerang...

And then it hit me.

At the gym

I walked into the gym and see a bunch of ladies working out, I ask the guy who is running the gym, “Sir, what machine should I use to impress the ladies?” He smiles says “Try the ATM in the lobby”.

How does an attorney go to sleep?

First he lies on one side, then the other!!

Black man kills conservative politician!

The final Fox News spin on Osama's death.

Life is like toilet paper,

you're either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.

If a redbird has red babies, and a bluebird has blue babies, what kind of bird has no babies?

A Swallow.

My boss really hates it when I shorten his name to Dick...

Mostly because his name is Steve...

Did you know Napoleon and his wife are buried next to each other?

They're only a Bonaparte

I farted in a room of hipsters

I watched them fight each other over who heard it first.

How does a train eat?

It goes chew chew.

I was recently complimented on my driving skills

Someone left a note on my car that said "Parking Fine"

My grandfather died at auschwitz

He had a heart attack after he saw the gift shop prices.

I told my teenage niece to go get me a newspaper...

She laughed at me, and said, "Oh uncle you're so old. Just use my phone."

So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.

What do you call an old ant?

An antique

What do you call a hippie's wife from the South?

Mississippi

This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!

Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."

A bra, car battery and some jumper cables walk into a bar..

The car battery and jumper cables go find a seat while the bra asks the bartender for 3 beers. The bartender replies, "I'm not serving you! You're obviously off your tits and your two mates look like they're about to start something."

I had sex for an hour and 20 seconds today...

Thank you daylight savings time.