A wife texted her husband
A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!" The husband, typically non-romantic, replied: "I am on the toilet. Please advise."
My girlfriend kept telling me she was going to break up with me if I didn't stop quoting the song I'm a Believer by The Monkees, but I thought she was just kidding...
Then I saw her face.
What does a prostitute and a bungee jump have in common?
They both cost a lot, last 5 seconds, and if the rubber splits you're fucked.
What do you call a Corvette following a Camaro at high speeds?
Chevy Chase.
People complain a lot about dealing with erectile dysfunction
But it's not exactly hard, is it?
What confuses a gay person?
Seven
A mosquito landed on my wife's face while she was asleep
Easiest decision of my life
Prostitute Joke.
Man : How much for a blowjob?
Prostitute : Ummm $20
Man : Ohhh Damn, it was $80 for my friend. I guess I am your favourite.
Prostitute : Cut it out, I charge $10 per inch.
In Ancient Rome there were 4 types of poison...
Poison I, II, III, would all kill you with varying degrees of pain. However poison IV would make you really itchy.
I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to do 34.5
She asked "what's that?"
I said "it's like 69 but you do all the work"
Therapist: So why doesn't the marriage work?
Wife: My husband uses to many Star Wars puns
Husband: Divorce is strong in this one
My girlfriend's dad just gave me the green light.
Which was very generous, but I don't find him sexy.
Why shouldn’t you ride in an airplane with Ben Shapiro?
Because he’s always trying to destroy the left wing.
I’m all for gender fluidity. In fact, I sexually identify as a Non-Newtonian Fluid.
I’m flaccid and slippery most of the time, but getting slapped makes me hard.
If you lose one senses, your other senses become stronger.
That's why people without a sense of humour have such a high sense of self importance
How much dessert does a dieting Jedi eat at an Italian restaurant?
Only one cannoli.
God: *creates worm* Hey there little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome
God: *creates birds*
How do birds fuck?
With their peckers.
I picked up a hitchhiker last night.
He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger and asked, "Thanks but why would you pick me up? How do you know I'm not a serial killer?"
I told him the chances of two serial killers being in one car would be astronomically low
I got thrown out of DisneyWorld for spreading my dead mother’s remains around the park. It was her dying wish.
The security guards said I probably should have cremated her first.