A linguistics professor
... was lecturing to her class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah . . .right."
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...
...the first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter of a beer. Before the next one can order, the bartender says, "You're all assholes," and pours two beers.
Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son.
He said: 'dad, can't you just use a sponge?'
I like my women like I like my golf game.
Mid 80's with a slight handicap
I only know 25 letters...
I don't know Y
I found out my girlfriend is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
Found 4 fox cubs
I called the ISPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."
"That's terrible," the woman on the phone replied. "Are they moving?"
"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."
What's the difference between a good joke?
and a bad joke timing
What do you call it when someone gets their whole face tattooed?
An everlasting job stopper.
My friend went on holiday to Havana...
...and asked me what gift I would like him to get for me. I said get me "something Cuban", but he got me a Che Guevara t shirt.
Clothes, but no cigar.
Do you think they can bury two people in the same grave?...
I've just been wondering ever since I saw a headstone that said, "here lies a lawyer and an honest man".
Your momma's so fat
she went to the food court and was found guilty.
What do pedophile vampires do to relax?
Crack open a boy with the cold ones.
Grandma's been staring through the window ever since it started to snow.
If it gets any worse I'll have to let her in.
I have a vagina joke
but most of you won't get it.
A husband and wife went on a road trip.
They were driving by some plains when they sighted some wild pigs. The wife jokingly asked her husband," Are those relatives of yours?" Too which the husband replies," Yup! Those are my in-laws!"
My wife’s doctor prescribed her a new pill
It’s great, now we fuck every night, all sorts of positions, some she’d never tried before. Introduced toys and bondage, spanking and 3 ways..... and she hasn’t woken up once.
My teenage son is obsessed with the difference between sine and cosine.
But I'm sure it's just a phase.
The argument
So a guy calls the front desk of the hotel he's staying at and says, "I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."
The front clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that sounds like a personal issue."
And the guy says, "No, it's a maintenance issue. The window won't open."
A man notices his wife's butt is getting big
I bet your butt is as big as my grill."
His wife rolls her eyes, but he gets a tape measure, measures her bottom, measures the grill, and teases her that they're about the same size.
That night, he tries to see if he can get lucky. "Not tonight," says his wife.
He asks her why not, to which she responds, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weiner?"