Hit by a fastball
A man walks into his kitchen with his hands between his legs
and a pained expression on his face.
"what happened darling?" says his wife.
"I got hit with a fastball at practice" he replies.
"Oh you poor man, come here and i'll massage it better".
So she pulls out his penis and begins to massage with various scented oils.
"how's that my darling, are you feeling better?"
The man examines his bruised finger and says:
"That's great darling, but I still think i'll lose the nail."
My mom said that if I don't get off the computer and do my homework she'll slam my head into the keyboard,
but I think she's jokinfreoiwjr67uiwosi94ckcjfkdald87lakdofasdkfj
Why did Soviet policemen always walk around in groups of three?
One could read, and was needed to read ID documents in case of an arrest.
One could write, and was needed to write down the names for punishment.
The third one was needed to keep an eye on these two dangerous intellectuals.
They say all women turn into good drivers eventually.
So watch out for turning women.
Im from colombia and if i got a dollar everytime someone asked me if i sell cocaine.
I would not have to sell cocaine anymore.
A programmer gets upset when he hears women shouldn't be objectified...
He demands, "Are you suggesting women are primitives?"
Called my boss, what's the different between work and your daughter.
I will not be coming into work today.
Dead Again
During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
A tourist goes to see Beethoven's grave in Austria
And, to his shock, he sees the great musician seated next to his grave, erasing pieces of paper with his symphonies written on them.
The tour guide leans over to his visibly startled guest and says, "Don't worry, he does this all the time. He's decomposing."
How is a woman like a condom?
They both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick!
Just found out that 'aaaaarrrrggghhhh' isn't a real word
I can't tell you how angry I am
What do Ethiopians have in common with Yoko Ono?
They both live off dead beetles
First visit to America as German guy!
I was pissing on the side of the road when suddenly an American girl walks by.
She saw my penis and shouted "GROSS!"
I shouted back "DANKE!"
Tennis ace Novak Djokovic has refused to take the Coronavirus vaccines
He's now known as Novax Djokovic
I replaced my best friend's lipstick with super glue.
She's not speaking to me
When I got my license I didn't have money for a car, so I robbed a bank. Anyway, as I was being dragged off to jail my mother wanted to know why I did it. So I told her the truth:
"I did it for the car, ma!"
I asked a monk if they were allowed to send emails
He said yes as long as there are no attachments
Statistics is like a bikini on a beautiful woman...
... what it reveals is exciting; what it hides is vital.
I just made money for the first time as a programmer
I sold my laptop
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
I’ll call it my oughtabiography.
