You jokes

I hate engineer students, they always walk around saying "I'm an engineer" this, or "I'm an engineer" that.

You don't hear a math student say "i'm a mathematician" or an art student say "i'm a barista".

65,000,011 years ago

Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at some dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"

The guard replies, "They are 65,000,011 years old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"

The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were sixty five million years old when I started working here, and that was eleven years ago."

My wife left her bra on the floor of our bedroom. It almost killed me when I tripped over it this morning.

Stupid boobie traps.

A Mexican magician was performing a trick...

Magician: "Uno! Dòs..."

*poof*

And he disappeared without a très...

*NSFW* John is sent to prison and he meets his 6’8” 320 pound cell mate

Cell mate says, “We are going to be here a long time, so you choose whether you want to be the husband or the wife?”

John is scared but he knows what to pick to make his life a little easier, “I’ll be the husband” he says confidently.

Cell mate, “ Good, now come here and suck your wife’s dick”

What does Bond’s doorbell sounds like?

Dong. Ding Dong

Kids may be a gift.....

But I like playing with the box it came in.

I tried making a joke about self isolation...

But I couldn’t come close

As a German, you know what really grinds my gears?

Nothing. Our engineering is perfect.

"I'm not throwing away my shot"

Alexander Hamilton, leader of the pro-vaccine movement 1780.

How many 'Nam vets does it take to change a lightbulb?

YOU DON'T KNOW MAN, YOU WEREN'T THERE!

A woman just asked me if I like thighs or breasts

I told her I like shaved vagina and anal. Apparently this is not an appropriate answer at KFC

A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwidth of the human penis 1687 TB/sec

I know, that's a lot of information to swallow.

#1 Handjob Tip for Women:

Use your mouth.

What does a lumberjack and a trio of Irishmen have in common?

They're both tree fellers.

I'm making a new documentary on how to fly a plane.

We're currently filming the pilot.

Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippy?

He was too far out, maan!

Harry Potter walks into a bar.

Because I put them on his bedroom window.

Almost all coins look the same

This must be what we call a coincidence

Why did the programmer quit his job?

Because he didn't get arrays.