You jokes

My dad said "Always leave them wanting more."

That's how he lost his job in disaster relief.

Amazon

I ordered a thesaurus from Amazon but when it was delivered all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

I went to the store to get six sprite

It was only when I got home that I realized that I picked seven up.

Harry Potter: "Hermoine, I'm gay"

Hermione: "Are you kidding?" Harry: "No, I'm fucking Sirius"

I found an alien masturbating in my freezer last night. I asked him what on earth he was doing in there.

He said, “I cum in peas.”

I keep asking people what LGBT stands for.

No ones given me a straight answer.

Why did the tractor sell medicines?

Because it was a farm assist!

... I'm sorry...

My wife thinks I play favourites with my kids.

That's just silly. I love Eric and Not Eric equally.

What did the river say when it saw beavers approaching?

Well I'll be dammed...

Apparently, when you drink a pint of Beer

You shorten your lifespan by 9 minutes. So according to my calculations, i died sometime in 1644.

Paddy has a broken leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.

Mick says, "How you doin'?"

Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year old twin daughters lying on the bed.

He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you."

They say, "Get away with ya... Prove it."

Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of 'em?"

Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of 'em, what's the point of fuckin' one?"

Why is the barbarian carrying a skillet?

Wizard: Why is the barbarian carrying a skillet?

Bard: He thinks it's his spellcasting focus.

Wizard: He has spells?

Bard: Just one. Every time he hits someone with it, he shouts "Cast iron!"

Four Karens are sitting in a restaurant...

A waitress comes up to their table and says "Good afternoon ladies, is anything alright?"

What do you call immigrants to Sweden?

Artificial Swedeners

A drunk man walks into a bakery...

He approaches the baker and says "I fucked your mother!" On which the baker replies "Go home dad"

What goes "Chest, Chest, Chest, Chest"?

A T Rex doing "Head and Shoulders, Knees and Toes".

A political joke for both sides:

Joe Biden has forgotten more about governing than Trump ever learned.

My friend met his wife on tinder

...It was six months after their wedding

My daughter has started asking me questions about the human body

I thought I locked the basement I don't know how she keeps getting down there

A small plane crashed in the middle of the desert. The pilot and co-pilot wandered around for days in search of food, but could find nothing. Finally the co-pilot announced: ‘I’m so hungry....

I’m going to chop off my dick and eat it.’ ‘Before you do,’ said the pilot. ‘Think of your girlfriend.’ ‘What’s the point? At this rate I will never see her again anyway.’ ‘I know, but if you think of her first, hopefully there will be enough for both of us