Jokes

Damn girl, do you have Covid?

Because if you’re talking to me, then you have no taste.

Where were thr first gas cars invented?

In Africa, they Madagascar.

Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee. The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it.

Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that. The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!" "That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"

I was set up on a blind date the other day by my friend, as I was getting ready he said "heads up, she's expecting a baby"

Now I feel pretty daft sitting in this restaurant wearing a diaper

There is freedom of speech in china

but there is no freedom after speech.

Sperm...

Is just life in a nutshell

Recently started dating a chinese girl but not sure if I want to keep going.

She’s been raising a lot of red flags.

Steven Spielberg is casting for his upcoming blockbuster on the history of classical music.

He asks his stars who they want to play. Brad Pitt says, "I want to be Mozart. His pastiche of influences from several European countries has always fascinated me." Tom Cruise chimes in with, "I’d like to be Beethoven. I love the way he handled the transition from Classicism to Romanticism." Arnold Schwarzenegger says, "I'll be Bach."

After sex, my wife told me I deserve a Gold Medal for my performance,

for breaking Usain Bolt's record and finishing under 10 seconds.

Cop: So I’m writing you a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.

Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.

What do you call a midget psychic that just escaped from prison?

A small medium at large

My cock was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records once...

But it really pissed off the librarian and she kicked me out!

I told my wife her new underwear was too tight and much too revealing.

She said to me “Wear your own, then”.

A man goes ice fishing...

He takes out his ice pick and begins to hack away. Suddenly, he hears a booming voice from above say, "There are no fish there."

He moves to a new spot and begins again. Again comes the voice, ”There are no fish there either."

He tries a third spot, and again the voice informs him, "Not there either."

Frightened, the man calls out, "Is that you, God?"

"No," the voice booms, "I'm the rink manager."

I hate that SEPTember, OCTober, NOVember and DECember aren't the 7th, 8th, 9th and 10th months...

Whoever messed this up should be stabbed

My wife laughed when I said I still had the body of a teenager

until she checked the freezer.

People keep telling me that alcohol isn't a solution

but I've asked my chemist friends and they all reassure me that it is.

I told my girlfriend we can either have sex, or go see Star Wars.

She said "I'm on my period and Star Wars is sold out," but she pulled some strings and got me in.

I got fired from my job at Planned Parenthood

My boss didn’t like me saying “Takeout or delivery?” whenever someone walked in the door

I cry every time after sex

I hate prison