Jokes

The other day I spotted an albino dalmatian

Least I could do for it

Are you Blonde?

A blond cop pulls over a blond and asks for her drivers license. The blond starts looking through her car then asks, "Uhh, what are they again?"

The blond cop replies, "Ugh. It's the thing in your purse with your picture on it." "Oh yeah," says the blond who reaches in her purse, pulls out a compact mirror, and hands it over. The blond cop opens it, takes a look inside, hands it back, and says, "I'm sorry ma'am. If I knew you were a cop, I wouldn't have pulled you over."

Wittle Wabbit

little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"

The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."

I forgot how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 in Roman numerals.

I’M LIVID.

What do a thong bikini and Donald's Trump's hair have in common.

They both barely cover the asshole. (gota give Seth Myer credit for this one).

If your crush is single...

It is 1v20

If she is taken...

It is 1v1

Work smarter not harder

My dog wouldn't stop chasing people on bikes.

In the end, I had to take his bike away.

A Scotsman walks into a bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says...

"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in bed reading a book says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep not a cow."

The man replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

Always make sure SOMEONE in the relationship has good credit...

That's why it's called SIGNIFICANT other. Sign/if/I/Can't.

What’s Mitch McConnell’s favorite movie?

Kill Bill.

Lorena Bobbitt died in a car accident today...

Apparently some dick cut her off.

A student visits the principal’s office one day...

The principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” The student replies: “T-T-T-on-on-on-tony, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?” The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”

Helen Keller once described a cheese grater...

...as "the most violent book I've ever read."

I was relaxing in a Jacuzzi when my wife pointed a finger at me and gave me a really angry look...

... I knew I was in hot water.

What did the robber say after blowing open the bank safe?

Wow this blew up, thanks for the gold!

As a child, I always thought of my dad as a superhero...

The Invisible man!

6 years ago i DMed my facebook crush telling her that I am going to take her out on a date. Today I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times and blocked me

I told my friend that "Last night there was a rear-end collision in my parking lot. After that, the drunk guy that hit the car gave me $800 and drove away". My friend asked me "Is that enough to fix it?"

I said "I don't care, it wasn't my car."

My neighbor grew tired of being a taxidermist after 15 years, and went to veterinarian school.

His new business never got off the ground so he decided to operate both his taxidermy and vet business together to save money. His new slogan was: "No Matter What Happens - You Get Your Cat Back."

Chocolate is female

It uses her/she pronouns