Jokes

"So you're saying that the entire universe, and everything in it, was created by one being? No way."

"Yahweh."

I was so excited about how well my psychiatry appointment went

But when I got home, I couldn’t find any of my roommates to tell them

I saw a guy wearing a T-shirt with the tag "Life = God + Righteousness"

I hope he understands that it also means; "God = Life - Righteousness" and "Righteousness = Life - God".

A man walks into the doctor's office and immediately drops his pants....

The doctor sees a small leaf of lettuce hanging from the man's anus. (Rather redundantly) he asks "What seems to be the problem here?" "Oh doc," the man replies, "that's just the tip of the iceberg."

My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives...

I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."

I just finished designing a website for an orphanage

There isn't a home page

Stephen Hawking diagnosed with erectile dysfunction.

It was easy to fix, they just uninstalled his pop-up blocker.

Vaccinated kids are more likely to have autism

Because they're still alive.

Did you hear about the obese millionaire?

He has a four chin.

I dressed up as a UDP packet for Halloween...

...but I don’t think anyone got it.

MTV turns 40 this year.

Thanks for 14 years of music.

Hit by a fastball

A man walks into his kitchen with his hands between his legs and a pained expression on his face. "what happened darling?" says his wife. "I got hit with a fastball at practice" he replies. "Oh you poor man, come here and i'll massage it better". So she pulls out his penis and begins to massage with various scented oils. "how's that my darling, are you feeling better?" The man examines his bruised finger and says: "That's great darling, but I still think i'll lose the nail."

My mom said that if I don't get off the computer and do my homework she'll slam my head into the keyboard,

but I think she's jokinfreoiwjr67uiwosi94ckcjfkdald87lakdofasdkfj

Why did Soviet policemen always walk around in groups of three?

One could read, and was needed to read ID documents in case of an arrest.

One could write, and was needed to write down the names for punishment.

The third one was needed to keep an eye on these two dangerous intellectuals.

They say all women turn into good drivers eventually.

So watch out for turning women.

Im from colombia and if i got a dollar everytime someone asked me if i sell cocaine.

I would not have to sell cocaine anymore.

A programmer gets upset when he hears women shouldn't be objectified...

He demands, "Are you suggesting women are primitives?"

Called my boss, what's the different between work and your daughter.

I will not be coming into work today.

Dead Again

During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket. As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

A tourist goes to see Beethoven's grave in Austria

And, to his shock, he sees the great musician seated next to his grave, erasing pieces of paper with his symphonies written on them.

The tour guide leans over to his visibly startled guest and says, "Don't worry, he does this all the time. He's decomposing."