Jokes

I've just been on Trip Advisor

Absolutely no help about a twisted ankle and a grazed knee

I'm not addicted to drinking brake fluid....

I can stop any time I want.

How did Christopher Columbus find India?

He used Apple Maps.

from my 7 y/o: Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide

I asked my Dad, "Dad, what did you want to do when you were my age?"

"Your mom's sister."

Why did the sperm cross the street?

Because I put on the wrong socks today

Did you hear that Prince Charles has tested positive for the Coronavirus?

After all these years he's finally been coronated.

‟GIVE IT TO ME” she yelled ‟Oh my God I am so wet!!”

She could scream all she wants I was keeping the umbrella

What do sprinters eat before a race?

Nothing, they fast

A young boy runs into the house and excited shows his mother a 50$ bill he found in the park.

Are you sure it was lost, his mother asked. Yes, the boy replied, I am positive, I even saw the guy looking for it.

Students at M.I.T. recently developed a new contender for the blackest material known to man...

Scientists attempted to demonstrate it in public, but it was immediately shot by the police.

If the Coronavirus really isn't about a beer...

Then why do I keep seeing cases of it?

"The doctor said that I should touch myself whenever I feel like it."

"No, Dave. He said you could have a stroke at any time."

Why is Korea the greenest county in the world?

It's full of Parks.

What's a pirate's favorite element?

Gold, duh. What the fuck is a pirate going to do with Argon?

Two Irishmen are sitting having a pint

when a Turf truck drives by. The first Irishmen says "When I win der lottery dats what I'm gonna do". The second Irishmen says "Whats that, drive a truck"? "No ya daft bastard, send my lawn away to be mowed"!

As a boy, I was made to believe that earwigs lived in ears

Henceforth, I was terrified of cockroaches

I was watching a porno the other day and it was just a guy crying and wanking

Then I realized I hadn't turned the TV on.

Oxygen tried to pick a fight with Helium

Helium didn't react at all, he simply rose above, Carbon was watching the whole thing and said, "That's very noble of you"

A country boy gets accepted into Harvard.

He can’t find the library, so he finds another student on campus.

“Excuse me, do you know where the library is at?”

The student looks at the country boy disapprovingly and says,

“My good sir, here at Harvard we don’t end our sentences with prepositions.”

The country boy replies,

“My apologies. Do you know where the library is at, asshole?”