Jokes

Some people think filling animals with helium is wrong...

I don't judge. Whatever floats your goat.

tattoo of a $100 bil

A guy asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis. Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that. He replies, "Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and $100 seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days."

What if I tell you there is a way to stop all the kids in the school making fun of you because you are still a virgin?

Just start giving them bad grades.

Smoking marijuana has imbued me with cat-like abilities.

For example, just one brightly colored piece of paper can now entertain me for hours.

What do you do with 365 used condoms?

Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Blind Man

A blind man walks into a department store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden he starts swinging the dog around in the air by its leash.

One of the store clerks run up to him and yells, "What are you doing!?"

The blind man replies," I'm just taking a look around."

I just saw my first porno...

And damn I looked good back then.

Did you know if you jumble up the letters of "Postmen"

They get really angry!

I have a lot of anti-vax jokes

In my family

“Ever since she lost her job, my wife’s identical twin sister is living with us until she gets on her feet”

I told my friend.

He asked “just want to know , how do you tell them apart ?”

“ why should I ?”

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, obviously. How they got inside the lightbulb is the part I don't understand...

Why did the blond girl became the Invisible Woman?

Because she has to be dense enough for light to bend around her

Why can't they make CSI: Alabama?

Because all the DNA is the same

I had a hen who could count her own eggs

She was a mathamachicken

They say in every friend group there is 1 willing to commit murder

I killed the guy I suspected most before he could do any harm .

I saw a guy getting jumped by 4 people so I decided to step in and help...

That guy stood no chance against the 5 of us.

The thing I love most about this fall weather is the UGG boots and yoga pants..

... Though, they do make me look a bit gay.

Why are Native Americans the most successfull strippers?

Because when they dance, they make it rain.

I hate when revolving doors move too fast

It's a pane in the ass

I was in bed with this redneck girl when all of a sudden her father, her brother and her boyfriend burst into the room

And boy was he mad.