Mark Zuckerberg's car hit a guy's car
Guy (angry) : Do you know who I am?
Mark : Yes, you are Scott Thomas, you have 237 friends out of which 37 are females and your wife doesn't know 12 of them. Last holiday you went to Thailand and there you . . .
Guy : Leave it bro, it was my fault.
What does a racist joke and crossing the street have in common?
White people look both ways before they start...
A priest and a pastor are standing by the side of the road
They hold up a sign that reads, "The end is near! Turn around now before it's too late!" A passing driver yells, "You guys are crazy!" and shakes his head in disbelief as he speeds past them. From around the curve, they hear screeching tires, and then a big splash. The priest turns to the pastor and says, "Do you think we should put up a sign that says 'Bridge out of order' instead?"
I had an idea for a movie plot where a retired CIA agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris.
Turns out that idea was taken. I then had another idea for a movie where the same agent is kidnapped with his ex-wife in Istanbul, but it turns out that one was taken too.
When I left school, I passed every one of my exams with the exception of Greek Mythology.
It always was my achilles elbow.
How do astronomers organize a party?
They planet.
Creative Writing
A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements: religion, royalty, sex, mystery.
The prize winning essay read: "My God!" said the Queen. "I am pregnant. I wonder who did it?"
Just heard about a dwarf who was pickpocketed..
How could anyone stoop so low?
There must be another planet somewhere with worms.
Otherwise why would we call ours “Earth” worms
I saw a good looking guy at McDonalds spank his kid for throwing his fries on the ground.
So I threw my fries on the ground too
I just read a list of "100 things to do before you die"
I was surprised that "Yell for help" wasn't one of them.
Vending machines kill more people than sharks.
I've never even seen a shark use a vending machine.
Going into my son's room is the same as going to Ikea
You go in just to see what's new and come out with 10 plates 3 cups and a pair of socks.
Baby are you communist?
Because there is an uprising in my lower class
Why don't vampires bet on horses?
They can't handle the stakes.
being a waiter may not be a very glamorous job
but at least it puts food on the table
Why aren't there any Calculus teachers in Little Rock, Arkansas?
Because everyone there hates integration.
I called a suicide hotline in Iraq
.. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
A new strain of head lice has been discovered which is resistant to conventional treatments.
That has left scientists scratching their heads.
I often wonder if my Thai girlfriend is actually a ladyboy...
Something inside me says, yes.