Jokes

What's the difference between a toilet and a sink?

If you dont know you are not allowed at my house.

I came here to make a United joke

But it looks like I got beat

CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00

He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"

"Yes," she purrs. "I am."

The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."

A drunk man stumbles out of bar and runs into 2 priest. The drunk man looks at the 1st priest and says,

"Hey, I'm Jesus Christ."

The 1st priest tells the man, "No, my son, you're not."

Then the man turns to the 2nd priest and says the same thing. "Hey, I'm Jesus Christ."

The 2nd priest tells the man, "No, my son, you're not."

The drunk man tells the priests that he can prove it. So he takes the 2 priests into the bar and the bartender says,

"Jesus Christ. You're back again?"

A Chinese couple gave birth to an albino baby

...which just goes to show that two Wongs do make a white.

I like to masterbate while I jog

That way, when I’ve finished, I can turn around and see how far I’ve come.

Today, I got pulled over by a female cop.

I rolled down my window to ask what was wrong.

She said "NOTHING!"

My local library refuses to stock how-to books about suicide.

They used to, but the decent ones were never returned.

A teacher asked me

“If I gave you £20 and you gave £5 to Katie, £5 to Claire and £5 to Lauren, what would you have?”

Apparently, 3 blowjobs and a kebab is not the answer.

There's a movie coming out about a big rig truck.

Have you seen the trailer?

Jack an Jill went up the hill, so Jack could lick Jill's candy

Jack got a shock and a mouthful of cock, because Jill's real name was Randy.

There were two sisters, one called Petal and one called Fridge.

One day, Petal asks her parents, "Why did you call me Petal?" and they replied "Because when you were a baby, a petal fell on you." And then Fridge says "bllaaarrarararraraaarg".

Car company executives must have the best memories in the world

because GM recalls everything.

A woman approaches me as I'm playing my guitar. "Excuse me, is that a Squier Stratocaster?" I may have overreacted when I responded:

"DID YOU JUST ASSUME MY FENDER?!"

Redneck murders are hard to solve.

Never any dental records and all the DNA's the same.

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer

I saw it through my telescope last night.

As an American looking at the situation in Afghanistan

It's good to see that, even decades later, the freedom fighters we trained can still drive out a superpower.

Why was one-fifth so nervous?

It was too tense.

I like my women like my weather...

Moist and unstable.

A little girl was in class talking to her teacher.

"I had a kitty who stuttered." Said the little girl. "I was in the back yard with it when a Rottweiler that lives next door jumped over the fence into our yard!"

“That must've been scary!” said the teacher.

“It sure was", said the little girl. "My little kitty raised his back and went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say "fuck," the Rottweiler ate him!"