Jokes

Every since I bought a Tesla and they made weed legal, life hasn’t been the same

Now I have to tell hitchhikers that ass is the only acceptable form of payment.

My wife thought it would be fun if we each have a list of 3 people that would be OK to sleep with if given the chance.

**Her list:** Paul Rudd, Adam Levine, and Channing Tatum

**My list:** Her best friend Stephanie, that barista at our coffee shop, and my ex girlfriend

How does Harry Potter like his sandwiches to be cut ?

Diagon alley

I can cut down a tree just by looking at it

It's true, I saw it with my own eyes

My friends and I used to love a good game of Russian Roulette.

Unfortunately, they're a bunch of sore losers and won't play it with me anymore.

My favorite sex position is the JFK.

I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.

My wife only had sex with one man before me

It was a slow day

Guy orders 11 shots at a bar

Bartender says "What are you celebrating?" Guys says "My first blowjob" Bartenders says "Congrats, but why 11 shots?" Guys says "I figured by the 11th the taste would be out of my mouth. "

First dirty joke I told my parents when I was 8. The punishment was worth it.

A wife asks her husband to sweep the house.

After 5 minutes she walks in on him playing video games, "I thought I asked you to sweep the house"

"It's clean", he replies, "I didn't find any hostiles"

My wife said I was a God in bed.

Her exact words were "You're a God damn pain in my ass," but I know what she meant.

Why do scuba divers fall backwards to enter the ocean?

If they fell forward they would just fall into the boat.

Do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge my phone in my honda?

**Best Buy employee:** a cord?

**Me:** no it's a Civic.

If everyone spells your sons name wrong...

Then you spelled your sons name wrong

I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to the family.

My kids liked her, but my wife seemed pretty upset.

A man was delighted when his home was robbed

Every lamp in the house had been stolen.

I saw a guy at the flower store. He was trying to pick the perfect bouquet for his wife. He said “It’s crazy how much money you gotta spend on something that’s just going to die.”

I said “I know... And you gotta buy them flowers...”

What do you call an inexperienced Egyptian God?

Anoobis

All the proof you need.

A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?"

"Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer.

"Nope," replied the man.

"OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $5,000 he owed you," said the lawyer.

"But it's only $500," replied the man.

"Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!"

what kind of dinosaur has the cleanest teeth?

A Flossiraptor

Courtesy of my 6-year old.

a bishop walks up to a bar

and the bartender says ‘you can’t do that. you can only move diagonally.’