Jokes

Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get Christmas presents?

Because the rest of the letters are not-E.

How do you break up two blind guys fighting?

Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"

The other day I visited the thrift shop and picked up an old record album called ‘Sound of Wasps’.

When I got home and played it I realised it didn’t sound anything like wasps!

Turns out I’d been playing the Bee side.

Just got my ticket to the Fibonacci convention!

I hear this year is going to be as big as the last 2 put together.

A computer goes up to a guy at a restaurant...

It says, "I'll be your server today."

A girl refused to blow me because I was uncircumcised.

Guess I wasn't cut out for the job.

My wife took her shirt and bra off during an argument, which I was winning.

It was a booby trap.

I went for a job interview today to work for a blacksmith

He asked if I had any experience in shoeing a horse?

I said ”No! But I once told a donkey to fuck off!”

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

The headmistress at my exclusive girl’s college was lecturing us on Sexual morality...... “In moments of temptation,” she said to the class, “ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?”

She got so furious when I got up and asked “How do you make it last an hour?”

Why do north Koreans draw the straightest lines?

because they have a supreme ruler

A guard asks a woman on death row what she’d like for her final meal.

“idk, what do you want?”

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

One less drunk.

Pro Tip: Make sure it says "Made in the USA" on your bottle of Viagra...

If it says "Made in Moscow", you will run the risk of the Russians meddling in your erections.

What do you call a horny square?

Erectangle

What's easier to pick up the heavier it gets?

A Woman

I remember the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket...

"How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

I was kidnapped by mimes

They did unspeakable things to me

A condom that is 100% effective . . .

is inconceivable.

What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?

An electron