Jokes

When my kid is upset I let her colour my tattoo!

She just needs a shoulder to Crayon

All the periodic jokes Argon?

I don't Zinc so.

I have a dog with no legs.

His name is Cigarette because I have to take him out for a drag.

I won $1M in the lottery

I gave a quarter of it to charity, and put the other $999,999.75 in the bank.

My wife said my stew was too salty, was far too watery and left her with a strange metallic after taste.

Bitch... I put my blood, sweat and tears into that dish.

Do you guys remember when I told you about my spine issue?

It was about a week back.

I have an image of Jesus that pops up on my laptop if I leave it idle for 10 minutes...

It's my screen savior...

A man was in bed with his Thai girlfriend.

After having great sex, she spent the next hour just stroking his penis, something she had lovingly done on many occasions.

Rather enjoying it, he turns and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?"

She replied: "Because I really miss mine".

What has one hundred balls and screws old ladies?

Bingo

Getting really fucking annoyed now!

This is the 6th ATM I've been to, that's had "insufficient funds".

COVID jokes aren't funny

They're downright tasteless.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says, “Ugh! That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”

The woman stalks off to the rear of the bus and sits down. She turns to the man sitting next to her and says, “the driver just insulted me!”

The man says, “You go and give him a telling off. I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

Everyday I tell the wife I’m gonna do a few miles around the neighborhood for exercise. And I never do lol.

It’s a running joke I have

A husky, a pitbull, and a chihuahua are all fighting over a poodle.

Poodle says: "I'll only choose the mate who can use the words 'Liver' and 'Cheese' in one sentence..."

Husky: "Well that's easy, I love liver and I love cheese!"

Poodle: "That's not gonna work"

Pitbull: "I hate liver and I hate cheese!"

Poodle: "...No"

Chihuahua: "LIVER ALONE, CHEESE MINE!"

Accordion to a recent study...

Replacing words with the names of musical instruments often goes undetected,

What's the best thing about duct tape?

It turns "no,no,no !" into " mmm, mmm, mmm"...

Bill Gates and Elon Musk should team-up and make a medicine to treat erectile dysfunction,

and name it ElonGates.

Warning to all men about eBay.

Be careful what you buy on eBay.

If you buy stuff on line, be sure to

check out the seller carefully.

I just spent £95 + postage,

on a penis enlarger.

Bastards sent me a magnifying glass.

The only instructions said, "Do not use in sunlight."

In my hometown, a barber got arrested for selling drugs.

Blew my mind. I've been his customer for years. I had no idea he was a barber.

Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends?

Because he's married.