I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today and as we were walking around, he screeched, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' elephant!” I was shocked and slightly angry, because everybody was looking at us...
“What did you just call it?!” I cried.
“It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture! Look!” he shouted, pointing excitedly.
And so it did...A F R I C A N Elephant.
I used to be in a band called "The Hinges"
We opened for The Doors
I was in sex education class ..
...when the teacher pointed at the diagram and asked, "What is this called?"
I put my hand up and answered, "That's a pussy, Miss Stevens."
She rolled her eyes, and replied, "Give me a medical term, please."
"Oh, sorry," I replied. "That's a pussy, Doctor Stevens."
When a woman buys a vibrator it's seen as a bit of naughty fun
But when a guy orders a 240 volt fuckmaster pro 5000 latex doll with high speed pulsating pussy, elasticised anus with non drip semen collection tray, together with optional built in realistic orgasm sound system, he gets called a pervert.
So Putin is woken up at 02:30 in the morning.
"Vladimir Vladimirovich, the Ukrainians want to discuss the terms of surrender." says Putin's secretary.
Putin sits up on his bed and says: "Great, give me my phone, I'll call Zelinsky."
The secretary answers: "That won't be necessary, they are standing behind the door. Also, they gave us an hour."
My ex called me angrily and said, “Are you fucking stupid?”
I said, “No. I used to, but we broke up, remember?”
What do you call a body in a morgue which hasn't been viewed by anyone yet?
Remains to be seen.
What do you call a polar bear wearing ear muffs?
Anything you want. He can't hear you!
A Man Walks into His Home
He calls out to his wife, "Honey, why are there two broken condoms sitting on the couch?"
His wife replies, exasperated, "For the last time, can you please call our children by their actual names?"
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
Prime mates.
How I pissed off my girlfriend during sex.
I called her.
The Delta Variant is burning through the South so quickly
They should call it the Sherman Variant
I've lost 7lbs this week.
Or as my girlfriend calls it, "the baby".
"Son, I found a condom in your room."
"Gee thanks, grandpa."
"Why are you calling me grandpa?"
"Because I didn't find it yeterday."
What do you call a sneaky cow?
Invisibull.
My mate Paddy called me last night.
He said, "My dog had nine puppies 12 weeks ago and now apparently they are worth £600 each."
"Fucking hell, mate." I said, "Drinks are on you then!"
He said, "I'm not selling them."
"Why not?" I asked.
"Well," he said, "If they're worth £600 each now, can you imagine what they'll be worth in 10 years?"
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses
He's not breathing and his eyes are glazed, so his friend calls 911. "My friend is dead! What should I do?"
The operator replies, "Calm down, sir. I can help. First make sure that he's dead."
There's a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"
My little brother is extremely proud of this joke. What do you call a reptile who anyways starts fights?
An Insti-Gator
What do you call an Italian with two broken hands?
Mute
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater