Doctor, how can I live 100 years?
Man: Doctor, how can I live to be 100 years old?
Doctor: Well, do you smoke cigarettes or do any type of drugs?
Man: Nope
Doctor: Do you eat a lot of junk food?
Man: Nope
Doctor: Do you sleep around without using protection?
Man: Nope
Doctor: Then why the hell do you want to live to be 100 years old?
My sister thinks she's so smart; she said onions are the only food that makes you cry. So I threw a coconut at her.
Dark humor is a lot like food. Not everyone gets it.
If you were food, what would you be?
Friend 1: Pizza because I’m so cheesy. Friend 2: Chocolate chip cookie because I have lots of friends. Me: Donut because I’m so empty inside.
I had this friend named Leonardo. We called him Lee. Anyway, he didn't have alot of money. In fact, he was basically broke...
So one day he stole some bread because he was starving and couldn't buy food. He was caught and sentenced to death. It's really not that funny, but this joke was poor Lee executed.
What do you call a group of crows who see food?
A tempted murder.
I'll see myself out now.
My girlfriend wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food in front of you
So I took her to Subway
Tried Turkish food today...
It was revolting
My girlfriend hated my obsession with Japanese food
Sushi left me
I saw a black guy riding a bike near my house yesterday
I thought it was mine. So I checked the garage and it was still chained up, asking for food.
Having sex with me is like microwaving food at 3am..
The longest minute and a half of your life!
Some would say that putting decorative soaps that look like food in their bathrooms is cute.
But it leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
Two lawyers sit in a restaurant.
They're eating homemade sandwiches. The server comes along and stops them: "Excuse me, but it is not allowed to bring your own food here"
The lawyers share a glance, sigh and trade the sandwiches.
I shot a turkey for the first time today...
Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen foods section.
My nutritionist told me to only eat foods if I could pronounce their ingredients
I gained a lot of weight after taking organic chemistry.
My three year old daughter asked me, “Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but decided to give her an honest explanation. So I said, "You just ate breakfast, yes?"
"Yes." she replied.
"Well, the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the toilet, and that is poo."
She looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, "And Tigger?"
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.
After that, we never played Monopoly again.
A zombie is trying to get his kid to eat their dinner
"Eat your food, there's people in America with no brains at all"
A man and his wife went fishing one day. As they were fishing, they spotted the Coast Guard coming towards them.
The wife said, "Honey, we caught four fish, and we are only allowed three, so lets throw one back into the sea."
The husband said, "Are you mad, woman, that's our food for tonight. Take one fish and hide it in your panties."
The wife said, "And what about the smell???"
The husband replied, "Just block the fish's nose...."
My brother took being sent to prison really badly.
He was yelling and screaming, took off his clothes, and would not accept any food from anyone.
That was the last time we played monopoly.