Wittle Wabbit
little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"
The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."
A woman is taken to court...
The judge asks, "What were you charged for?"
The women replied, "Doing my Christmas shopping too early."
When the judge asked her how early, she said, "Before the store opened."
My wife thought it would be fun if we each have a list of 3 people that would be OK to sleep with if given the chance.
**Her list:** Paul Rudd, Adam Levine, and Channing Tatum
**My list:** Her best friend Stephanie, that barista at our coffee shop, and my ex girlfriend
The other day I visited the thrift shop and picked up an old record album called ‘Sound of Wasps’.
When I got home and played it I realised it didn’t sound anything like wasps!
Turns out I’d been playing the Bee side.
They say to never go shopping for food when you're hungry
but it's been a week already and I keep getting hungrier and hungrier.
A lady went into a sex shop and asked the attendant: "My good man, do you sell vibrators?"
"Yes," was the reply. "Come this way," he gestured, moving his finger.
"If I could come that way I wouldn't need the damn vibrator!"
Clock Shop
So a guy walks into a clock shop and whips out his dick. The young lady working the counter tells him, "This is a clock shop, not a cock shop." So the man says, "Well put two hands and a face on it."
Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50.
Eeeeee....
WARNING!! They said you only have to wear masks and gloves to go grocery shopping but they LIED!
Apparently you have to wear clothes too.
Taking an emo kid grocery shopping does have its perks... You get to scan their wrists for discounts!
A young boy enters a barber shop, and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.
"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licks his cone and replies:
"Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!"
A man enters an animal shop, and sees a parrot with ropes tied to each of it's legs...
The man asks the shopkeeper about the parrot and the shopkeeper replies:
- If you pull the right leg rope, he's gonna greet you in French, and if you pull the left leg rope, he'll greet you in German
- And what about, if i pull both simultaneously? - asks the man.
- Well, he...
Suddenly the parrot interrupts him:
- I will fall down, you idiot!
Not quite what she was expecting...
Guy: I work with animals every day!
Girl: That's so sweet! Are you a vet or a pet shop own-
Guy: I'm a butcher.
Bunny
A little girl walks into a pet shop. She asks the owner for a bunny, to which he responds "what kind of bunny would you like? A cute black one, an adorable brown one or perhaps a sweet little white one?"
The girl looks at the owner and answers: "I don't think my python really cares..."
Paddy got a job as a lumberjack
but try as he might, he couldn't meet his quota of fifty trees a day. By chance he saw an ad in a shop window for chainsaws 'guaranteed to fell 60 trees a day'. So he bought one, but the best he could manage was forty trees a day. So he took it back to the shop and complained that there must be something wrong with it. "Let me look at it", said the man in the shop. So he took the chainsaw and switched it on. "What's that noise?" said Paddy?
My grandfather died at auschwitz
He had a heart attack after he saw the gift shop prices.
Why did Trump hold his press conference at the 4-seasons garden centre, between a sex shop and a crematorium?
Because he was between a cock and a charred place.
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then, why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor guy is thinking about getting married."
Darth Vader walks into his local record shop and asks for a copy of George Michael's debut solo album
The guy behind the counter says "I'm sorry, it's out of stock."
Darth Vader shakes his head and says "I find your lack of Faith disturbing..."
On his death bed, an old jew says to his wife:
Oh, Sarah, when the shop burned down you were right beside me, no? - Sure I was, Moshe.
When the Nazis drove us out of our beloved Deutschland you were beside me again, no? - I was, Moshe.
And now you're at my death bed, aren't you? - I am, darling.
I'm starting to think you're bad luck, Sarah.
Where is my wife
A young man and an old man bumped shopping carts at the grocery store. Young man: I am sorry. I wasn't watching where I was going. I was looking for my wife. Old man : Sorry. I was also looking for my wife. Young man: Well maybe we can look together. My wife is 24. She is 5'2". She has short black hair. She is wearing a pink tube top and blue Jeans. What does your wife look like? Old man: It doesn't matter. Lets look for yours.
There was a fight in a fish and chip shop!
Two fish got battered ;).
The guy at my local music shop asked me why I'm always coming in to buy new harmonicas
I told him "I blow right through them"