Girlfriend jokes

What do you call a punctuation mark that's got a girlfriend?

..accommodating.

My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.

It just made her more upset.

She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

A small plane crashed in the middle of the desert. The pilot and co-pilot wandered around for days in search of food, but could find nothing. Finally the co-pilot announced: ‘I’m so hungry....

I’m going to chop off my dick and eat it.’ ‘Before you do,’ said the pilot. ‘Think of your girlfriend.’ ‘What’s the point? At this rate I will never see her again anyway.’ ‘I know, but if you think of her first, hopefully there will be enough for both of us

I had a deaf girlfriend once, she left me for a guy who was also deaf.

I should have seen the signs.

What did Mario tell his girlfriend when he broke up with her?

...It's not a you, it's a me, Mario!

It was my birthday...

Not that long ago I had a birthday. My girlfriend had no idea what to gift me. Then, on a whim, she said, “I know. Let’s watch a porn and we can do everything they do.” I was really excited until she fucked the pizza guy.

I finished with my ex girlfriend due to her obsession with counting.

I wonder what she's up to now.

I loaned my girlfriend five hundred dollars a couple years ago. Today she gave me the money back.

I broke up with her because I lost interest in the relationship.

My girlfriend told me I'm her 32nd lover

Turns out what she really meant was I'm her thirty second lover

I finally figured out why my girlfriend hasn’t been talking to me recently

I don’t have one

My girlfriend and I have a complex relationship.

I'm the real part and she's the imaginary part.

Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!'

'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, ‘You must have a vase somewhere!'

My girlfriend asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order

I probably should've stopped when I got to her name

Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar. I mean, she always said she wanted...

...a night in, shining armor.

My girlfriend just got mad and accused me of stalking her.

Well, she's not actually my girlfriend yet.

My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex

My girlfriend insists that it says 'dyslexia' but what does she know.

How I pissed off my girlfriend during sex.

I called her.

I've lost 7lbs this week.

Or as my girlfriend calls it, "the baby".

I finally got a girlfriend

If only I could post this in any other sub

My girlfriend dissapeared when she got a virus on her computer one day and never came back.

I guess she Ransomware..