Girlfriend jokes

My sister and girlfriend have the same name

I think its a bit disgusting when everytime we have sex I think about my girlfriend

I found out my girlfriend is really a ghost.

I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.

Girlfriend said "I think I'm pregnant, I'm two weeks late..

..April fools!"

My girlfriend is cheating on me with a doctor.

Yesterday, I found out my girlfriend is cheating on me with the primary doctor at her hospital. So from now on, I’ll be giving her an apple for lunch everyday. That oughta do the trick.

I had sex with my girlfriend and it was just like in the movies...

I was fast and she was furious

I used to think my girlfriend referred to me as a camel because I drank a lot of water...

Turns out it was because she could never get more than two humps out of me.

My girlfriend is like the square root of -100

An absolute 10, but also imaginary.

My tinder date invited me back to her house tonight, and while she was in the bathroom, I had a cheeky look in her wardrobe. Inside, there was a nurse outfit, a police woman's uniform and a full dominatrix bodysuit, so I quickly pulled on my pants and snuck out of there.

I don't want a girlfriend who can't hold down a job.

Girls are evil...

(Saw this about 10 years ago)

If you have a girlfriend, then you know they cost time and money. Therefore:

Girls = time × money But: time = money So: Girls = money x money Which means: Girls = money^2

Now we all know that money is the root of all evil. So: Money = sq.root(evil)

And now: Girls = (sq.root (evil))^2

Which means: Girls = Evil

My wife thought it would be fun if we each have a list of 3 people that would be OK to sleep with if given the chance.

**Her list:** Paul Rudd, Adam Levine, and Channing Tatum

**My list:** Her best friend Stephanie, that barista at our coffee shop, and my ex girlfriend

I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to the family.

My kids liked her, but my wife seemed pretty upset.

**I was talking to my girlfriend the other day about reincarnation.**

She asked "what actually is reincarnation?"

I said to her, "well, its when you die and come back as something completely different."

"So, I could come back as a pig?!" she exclaimed!!

I said, "you"re not listening are you.....?

What does the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend

Flush

I heard this from my 11 year old cousin, the look on his mom's face after he told me this made my day.

Apparently 1/3 of people in a relationship are unfaithful

I’ve just gotta figure out if it’s my wife or my girlfriend

Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant, a lot has changed...

like my name, phone number, address, etc.

A man was in bed with his Thai girlfriend.

After having great sex, she spent the next hour just stroking his penis, something she had lovingly done on many occasions.

Rather enjoying it, he turns and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?"

She replied: "Because I really miss mine".

The other day, an ex girlfriend of mine was hit by a bus near my house

And I thought to myself "that could've been me"

Then I remembered - I can't drive a bus

My girlfriend is so smart, she really surprises me!

I went golfing, and forgot to bring my phone, so I used my friend's phone to call her.

She answered: "What's up, honey?"

What a smart girl! She knew I was the one on the phone!

Officer: I'm sorry to say, it looks like your girlfriend has been hit by a truck...

Me: Yeah but she has a good personality

I've got 69 problems.

My girlfriend is a midget.