A boyfriend and girlfriend die at the same time and go to heaven
They go up to see St. Peter on the pearly gates. They ask him “Can we get married in heaven?”
St. Peter says “Hold on, I’ll check.”
The couple wait 72 hours and then finally St. Peter comes back and says “Yes, you can get married in heaven.”
The couple then asks “What about a divorce?”
St. Peter replies “I just spent 3 days finding a minister. Do you have any idea how long it’s gonna take to find a lawyer?”
My girlfriend is 19 and I'm 29. We go out to eat in a restaurant, but the whole time I have to deal with being accused of being a pedo, being called disgusting and disturbed. It completely ruined our 10-year anniversary.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10. Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9! That's the best I've done so far.
I showed my girlfriend my shotgun yesterday. It really blew her away.
Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike. There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until I find one, I'm stuck here holding my rod.
I’ve been looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer for the past two years. But no one would do it.
My girlfriend enjoys "doggy style" in the bedroom.
I sit up and beg, she rolls over and plays dead.
I met my girlfriend whilst she was working at the zoo.
There she was in her uniform – straightaway I knew she was a keeper.
My girlfriend wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food in front of you
So I took her to Subway
How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat?
She starts fitting into your wife’s clothes.
So I caught my girlfriend masturbating with a carrot.
My first reaction was “Shit, I was gonna eat that later, but now it’s gonna taste like carrots!” I fucking hate carrots.
When my girlfriend says, "Unlock your phone. I need to check something." I just look at her crazy.
I don't even let my wife do that.
For April fools my girlfriend replaced my alphabits with Cheerios.
I have no words to say how angry I am.
The first time I had sex, it was in my parent’s bedroom. My girlfriend giggled nervously and moaned, “This is a bit awkward.”
I grunted, “Just ignore them.”
My girlfriend hated my obsession with Japanese food
Sushi left me
I made my girlfriend cum three times.
Which isn't great over a period of 7 months.
I said to my girlfriend that I think she'd look sexier with her hair back...
Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.
I think my girlfriend is obsessed with scooby doo.
She keeps telling me we should split up and search for other people.
My girlfriend said I'm terrible in bed
But it's unfair to make a conclusion in 17 seconds